A Geek With Guns

Jay over at MArooned found that scientists have discovered a new super mega plague that is going to kill use all! It’s swine flu all over again! Millions will die! HIDE THE CHILDREN! OH ODIN HAVE MERCY!

Seriously we’ve played this game all ready. The new bug is being labeled as NDM-1 and apparently “there are almost no drugs to treat it.” I’m putting money on there being a convenient vaccine released next month (after the bug has been hyped as black plague II) from a major pharmaceutical company.

You know what that dastardly global warming is doing now? It’s freezing South America! That rat bastard.

Hat tip to Dvorak Uncensored for this story.

In the realm of things that are bound to happen Robb Allen informs us that machines with sentience and the desire to murder humans is no longer reserved just for Skynet guns but now also includes vehicles:

“Spira is in the Progressive Insurance Automotive X Prize to educate the world that the #1 cause of deaths in 15 ‐ 25 year olds is from unsafe vehicles that slaughter people.”

Quick we need to enforce strict national vehicle control laws before more people die!

Shit we’re really fucked people. I just learned from Dvorak Uncensored that my own country not only renewed the PATROIT Act but apparently gave zombies fucking rights. From the story:

The U.S. Court of Appeals on Wednesday released a ruling in favor of a group of zombies who say they were wrongfully arrested while protesting consumerism during the 2006 Aquatennial. The ruling reanimates the group’s federal lawsuit against the city of Minneapolis and its police, seeking damages of at least $50,000 for each person arrested.

First I don’t know at what point zombies gained the ability to communicate and bring up lawsuits. Second I don’t know why the fuck the police of Minneapolis are arresting zombies instead of shooting them in the head on sight.

We’re so screwed. If we can’t rekill the undead they will overwhelm us all. Also apparently the police in Minneapolis lack the proper training to deal with the zombie apocalypse.

Thanks No Agenda for this story. OK it’s time to take a trip down to the asylum. Today we are visiting Venezuela where the local TV station ViVe TV is saying the earthquake in Haiti was caused by a super top secret United States weapon. Seriously you can’t even make this stuff up:

Citing an alleged report from Russia’s Northern Fleet, the Venezuelan strongman’s state mouthpiece ViVe TV shot out a press release saying the 7.0 magnitude Haiti quake was caused by a U.S. test of an experimental shockwave system that can also create “weather anomalies to cause floods, droughts and hurricanes.”

Wow I guess Command and Conquer Red Alert 2 was right! My favorite part is the fact that we decided that to use it on Haiti instead of a nation we actually have problems with such as North Korea or Iran.

Al Gore’s apocalypse is getting out of hand. Thanks to global warming the temperature in Florida has plummeted to a point that the citrus crops are being damaged.

EDIT: Realized I can’t type and the title of this post was Damned Global Arming instead of Damned Global Warming.

You know what global warming has caused? Horrible snow storms in Europe.

There are talks at Copenhagen where our world leaders are discussing how to tax us for something we all produce. The United Nation’s climate chief is now bitching the talks are progressing too slowly. My question is why the fuck do they want to hurry (well to fuck is over before we realize what’s going on but I digress).

Even if carbon dioxide was causing the climate to change (hint, it’s not) what would debating this a few additional days cause? The world isn’t going to end all of the sudden just because we took a couple additional days to discuss something. If we were debating a means of altering the course of a world ending astroid then days would matter.

I guess it doesn’t matter since our governments are just jockeying to establish another tax on us.

As I’ve stated before my company gets a copy of the Red Star Star Tribune and every day I like to read the letters to the editor. I seriously find some comic gold. Take this one for instance:

PALIN ON GLOBAL WARMING

Publishing her shows media irresponsibility

I strongly object to your publishing a column by Sarah Palin on global warming (Dec. 10). She is not a climate scientist, and her opinion is unimportant. By publishing her the Star Tribune is asserting that the opinions of scientifically untrained and ignorant celebrities are as important as the opinions of climate scientists. There might be a place for her opinion if you published numerous essays on global warming including many by climate scientists. But I have never seen such an piece by an actual scientist.

In addition, in reporting on global warming, the Star Tribune routinely treats the opinions of scientifically untrained people as valid and as worthy of consideration as the research and reports of climate scientists. No wonder Americans are far more poorly informed on global warming issues than the citizens of other countries.

JAMES KERWIN, MINNEAPOLIS

Emphasis was added to show Mr. Kerwin’s logic. According to him the paper was irresponsible to publish Sarah Palin’s ideas about global warming climate change because she’s not a climate scientist. Since she’s not a climate scientist her opinion is unimportant.

I agree. And since Al Gore isn’t a climate scientist we should stop publishing anything he says on the topic of his little apocalypse prediction.

You know the old debate, some people claim cell phone use will cause cancer while others do not. I’m firmly in the do not category. It looks like my views have been founded. A 30 year study (you need to start before cell phone use was common) of almost everybody (their words, no mine) in Scandinavia revealed no increase in brain tumors after the 1990s when cell phone use took off.

So everybody can stop bitching. If you buy into this research just don’t use a cell phone and shut the Hell up and let me use mine.