After watching numerous Republican Part (GOP) debates I’ve arrived at recommendations for each of the presidential nominees:
Jon Huntsman: Go home. Seriously.
Rick Santorum: Stop being Rich Santorum. Seriously, everything Rich Santorum currently does, stop doing. Also wipe that stupid looking grin off of your face, it makes you look like a sleazy used car salesman (although I trust a sleazy used car salesman more than you).
Newt Gingrich: Trying being consistant for once. Your positions bounce back and forth faster than a tennis ball at Wimbledon.
Michele Bachmann: Stop name dropping Obama. We get it, the President is a failure, but you can’t blame him for anything and everything. Try finding some new scapegoats so you can name drop some other political opponents. With that said you seem to realize that you’re losing and that has caused you to lash out at the other candidates, which is terribly amusing. Keep that up.
Rick Perry: Remember your lines. Showing up to the debates sober would probably help you out as well.
Mitt Romney: Try being something besides Republican Obama. Judging by the President’s approval ratings I don’t think this country is asking for four more years of the same guy.
Herman Cain: Try saying something besides, “America needs a bold new plan and my 999 plan delivers that.” My friends and I have a GOP debate drinking game and one of the rules is to drink every time you say “bold” or “999.” By far you are the candidate forcing us to drink the most. Try making up a couple new catch phrases so you’re not repeating the same damned thing every time you appear on screen, it’ll make you slightly less boring and idiotic.
Ron Paul: At the beginning of every debate look to your left then look to your right. See the people around you? Those idiots are your competition. As the only candidate who regularly gets invited to the debates with a brain you need to start speaking up even if the moderators aren’t giving you permission. The moderators aren’t going to give you screen time so you’ll just have to take it. Besides that keep being awesome.
Gary Johnson: Just walk in during the next debate, you’re a valid candidate and shouldn’t let idiot planners stop you from delivering your message. Besides Ron Paul you’re the only candidate who isn’t a moron.