Well it’s happening again, zombie outbreaks. This time the cover story is under the guise of a “swine flu.” Yes people are dying and turning into zombies and the best cover up that the governments can come up with is a flu found in pigs. But I guess it’s better then the last cover story of a flu found in birds.
Anyways as a certified zombie control officer I thought it would be best to post a quick brief on effective weapons against zombies. Refreshers are always good. The weaponry listed will be restricted to ones obtainable by average American civilians so no missile launchers or machine guns.
The first rule of engaging zombies is to do it from as far away as possible. So the first few things we’ll cover are the queen of weapons, rifles. Lister here are some nice rifles for combating the zombie threat.
Nice light and accurate. The AR-15 is a semi-automatic version of the military’s standard battle rifles the M-16 (also come in M-4 style configurations). They’ve been around since the Vietnam War so most of the technical kinks have been worked out making them very reliable. They shoot a small bullet at high speeds. They have an effective range of roughly 400 yards although you can get more out of them if your a good shot and have good ammunition matched with an equally good gun. Their weight, or lack thereof, make them very nice to carry for long hauls. Ammunition is also fairly common (or at least was before the recent buy up craze). You can’t go wrong.
-M-14 / M1A
The previous battle rifle for the United State’s armed forces. It shoots a 7.62x51mm (.308) round with an effective range of roughly 600 yards. Once again a good rifle matched with good ammunition can get you much greater range in the hands of the properly trained. Their bloody reliable, more so then even the AR-15. Their also a lot heavier so hauling them around while running to the relative safety of the countryside can become burdensome. Ammunition isn’t as easy to find as it is for the AR-15 but it’s still plenty common. Do also note the ammunition is larger and heavier so you won’t be able to carry nearly as much. This means you need to make every shot count. Many can accept a fixed bayonet which makes the M-14 usable in close quarters combat (although there are much better weapons for that).
When Mikhail Kalashnikov invented this iconic rifle he was going for reliability and manageable recoil. He wanted all of this in a package that was easily portable by average people. What we got was one of the worlds most reliable rifles. Out of the ones listed here the AK-47 is the least accurate. Russians never really worried about tight tolerances when they built these things. But those lose tolerances also made for unstoppable reliability. This rifle will not fail you so long as you do not fail it. Drop it in the mud, sand, or water and pull it out and continue firing. This is one of the best anti-zombie rifles out there. It fires a 7.62x39mm round which has become exceedingly rare as of late. And it’s effective range his highly dependent on the quality of the rifle you obtain. But it will not fail, it’s easy to field strip, and easy to use. You simply can’t find a gun more suited for anti-zombie defense for average citizens. Get one.
OK now keeping zombies at a range isn’t always possible so we need to cover medium to close range combat.
– 12 Gauge Shotgun
When it comes to killing zombies nothing is more symbolic then the shotgun. It’s pure raw power put into a man portable system that is hard to fuck up. Simply aim at the head of your zombie target and pull the trigger. The only downside is range, you don’t have much of it. You’re looking inside 100 yards with slugs on a good day and less then 50 yards with birds shot. Buckshot has even less of a range, you’re looking at inside of 25 yards. There are many types but I’ll give my recommendation to the pump action variety. Unlike semi-automatics you don’t have to worry about jams with a pump and at the ranges you’ll most likely be using a shotgun for failures are not an option. The ammunition is bulky and heavy so you won’t be able to carry a whole lot. But shotguns are cheap and reliable. This is probably the best short range anti-zombie weapon money can buy.
– Springfield XD / Glock
I lump these two pistols together because they both have similar features. I chose pistols over revolvers when dealing with zombies because of the speed at which you can reload them and the additional capacity for ammunition. The trade off is reliability. Both of these pistols have been proven to fire reliably in the field so they are your best bets for pistols. When chose one remember to kill a zombie you only need to take out the brain and most zombies won’t be wearing helmets (unless the person died with it on) so any caliber which can penetrate skull will work. I usually say chose 9mm or larger. Do remember though with the increased size and weight of the rounds comes the side effect of not being able to carry as much so pick a happy medium for yourself. I chose .45 automatic because I’m familiar with it and it’s proven effective for me. For most people I recommend 9mm though because it’s small, light, and has very little recoil. The ammunition is also much cheaper.
A subgun is a small rifle style weapon that shoots pistol ammunition. They can get more range out of a pistol round then actual pistols due to the increased barrel length. I haven’t recommended any particular one because you should chose one that matches the ammunition your pistol will use. I have a Beretta CX4 in .45 automatic which has prove reliable to me. They also make the CX4 in 9mm and .40 S&W both good choices. The only real benefit you get from these is more range out of a common ammunition pool. These are NOT replacements for rifles. But having one can certainly increase your range in a small and light weight package (due to weight I do not recommend a Thompson submachinegun style weapon).
And finally for when things get really ugly and you have the undead within biting distance you need to get brutal. Brutality comes in the form of melee weapons.
– Entrenching Tool
Ah yes a small collapsible shovel. You never think of these things as being much for weapons but they certainly fit the bill. They have a nice pointed tip on the shovel which will pierce right through skull and brain with only a little force. And they work for digging and other various tasks to boot. All of this an they weigh almost nothing. This is the best melee weapon you can find when you factor in all the other tasks it can perform. Do note that many companies now make e-tools with cheap plastic, you don’t want one of these. You want to get the real deal. Go to your local military surplus store and pick up a nice one made of good old fashion metal. You won’t regret it (although you will regret not getting that rifle and having to deal with zombies at biting range).
What beats a knife? Well when dealing with zombies anything that actually weighs enough to bust through skull. But more precisely a long knife with enough mass to bust through skull. Like the e-tool mentioned above machetes can server multiple roles. They are extremely handy if you have to cross heavily forested ares or jungles on your way to safety. They will cut through almost anything including the heads of zombies. Even if they become dull their mass is usually enough to cave in the skull of a nearby zombie. Do note that like the above mentioned e-tool many companies make cheap machetes. You don’t want one that will break in the heat of battle. Get a nice high quality one and it will defend you from the undead for years to come.
Although not nearly as effective as the above two items a crowbar will let you bash skulls in Freeman style. They have enough weight to bust up zombie heads and are light enough to carry around. They also have a pointed end that you can jam through a zombie’s noggin. They are also very handy when you need to use them for their secondary function, prying things. Remember a crowbar is a fancy lever and you can always find a use for levers. As stated for the last two items get a high quality crowbar not some Chinese piece of shit made of pot metal. You don’t want this thing snapping when using it as a lever because it will fly up and hit you in the face most likely killing you.
This has been a public service announcement from the Zombie Control Task Force.