My First TSA Opt-Out

Unfortunately my record of bypassing the Transportation Security Administration’s (TSA) has been nullified. Last night flying out of Dayton, Ohio there were no scanner-free lines so I had to go through the sexual molestation instead.

Without any doubt I have learned that the pat downs performed by the TSA are done exclusively to humiliate flyers into submitting to those forsaken body scanners. How did I come to this conclusion? Besides my famous cynicism I paid careful attention to where the bad man was touching me and I can tell you taping something to your body and smuggling it in won’t present much trouble.

While the bad man felt around the collar of my shirt, my torso, arms, and legs he didn’t actually touch my groin or ass. Likewise I stashed a set of earbuds in the breast pocket of my shirt and the bad man failed to find them. Each time I’m submitted this this I’m going to try smuggling in larger items and see what I can get away with (do note that none of the items will actually be verboten, I do actually want to get on my plane). Honestly though if you stick the contraband down the front or back of your pants I doubt it will be discovered. If the item you’re smuggling is sufficiently small you could put it in your socks because they don’t pat down the bottoms of your feet.

I also noticed that no additional search is done of your belongings. My computer bag, laptop, carry-on bag, and coat went through the regular scanner but no additional search was done. Items that don’t show up on their scanners can be easily smuggled in by slipping them into a computer bag or coat.

Another thing I confirmed is that you aren’t required to buy the bad man dinner afterwards. Upon concluding his molestation I asked the bad man, “This is complimentary right? I’m not expected to buy you dinner or anything?” He chuckled and said no (I’m glad that the agent at least had a sense of humor, if he was a prude I’d have kept egging him on). After being given the all clear I walked forward, clicked my boots together, and raise my hand in the classic heil Hitler position, and said, “I have diligently followed the commands of the states.” Why did I do that last part? Because I’m an asshole and have to make at least some kind of scene.

Overall the pat down is a joke that doesn’t make passengers anymore secure. In fact the pat down shares that trait with the body scanners without actually having the potential to cause cancer.

Let me also close by encouraging all flyers to opt out of those body scanners. You may think the pat downs are humiliating or embarrassing but truthfully they’re only embarrassing for the bad man tasked with touching your naughty bits. As he’s patting you down he has to deal with the shame of being a jack booted government thug who is paid only to harass the flying public. When you see one of those body scanners be firm and say, “You’ll have to get a thug over here to pat me down because I won’t go through that scanner.”