America’s Relationship with the Middle East Continues to Baffle Me

I know what you’re thinking after reading the title, who isn’t. But this recent situation in Iraq makes the past relationship look positively simple. Apparently the White House has decided that our puppet government in Iraq needs to get the fuck out:

WASHINGTON—The Obama administration is signaling that it wants a new government in Iraq without Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, convinced the Shiite leader is unable to reconcile with the nation’s Sunni minority and stabilize a volatile political landscape.

The U.S. administration is indicating it wants Iraq’s political parties to form a new government without Mr. Maliki as he tries to assemble a ruling coalition following elections this past April, U.S. officials say.

Such a new government, U.S., officials say, would include the country’s Sunni and Kurdish communities and could help to stem Sunni support for the al Qaeda offshoot, the Islamic State of Iraq and al-Sham, or ISIS, that has seized control of Iraqi cities over the past two weeks. That, the officials argue, would help to unify the country and reverse its slide into sectarian division.

So we start a war with Iraq for no discernible reason other than our president at the time got a chubby whenever he ordered the invasion of a country and replace Saddam’s regime with a puppet government. All is well (as far as we’re concerned) and except for sporadic fighting that never ceased we declared the whole operation a gigantic success. Then we decided that we no longer want to sink money into the country so we pull out our combat troops, replace them with mercenaries from whatever the fuck Blackwater calls itself now, and kick back in our giganting embassy.

Things seem to be going fine until out of nowhere (nowhere being Middle Eastern slang for Saudi Arabia) this group called ISIS appears and begins wrecking our puppet government’s shit. On top of being surprisingly successful, ISIS also turn out to be total twats. In fact they’re such twats that Iran offers to put aside its past difference with the United States in order to stomp ISIS down. This news is so glorious that Britain says it will reopen its embassy in Iran. But now the White House wants to get rid of our puppet government and replace it with one that ISIS will find more agreeable.


I generally pride myself with having some understanding of who hates who in the Middle East. But right now I have no god damn clue who anybody, including ourselves, are allied with. The entire situation is a mess, which is why it’s a bad idea to meddle in the affairs of other countries.