Even I wasn’t prepared for the horrors that existed around Lake Calhoun. The towering infernos that used to be apartment complexes understated the severity of the situation. As I approached the Lake Calhoun area I was attacked by approximately 50 gang members. The only thing that saved me was a tree that had fallen onto the trail. Although I’m left assuming the gangs fell the tree to make it easier to jump anybody riding the trial the plan backfired as the tree absorbed the bullets that were meant for me.
Taking cover behind the tree I unslung my .308 and prepared myself for was was likely to be the bloodiest engagement of my life. I recalled everything I read on the Internet gun boards and the training I had taken from the elite operators at Elite Operators Inc. The first thing I had to do was get off of the X. For those of you who haven’t attended Elite Operators Inc. or watched their DVDs, the X is wherever you are standing at any point in time. If you’re not moving you’re dying, period. But I had a problem. There was no way I was going to make it to the Hennepin Hilton before nightfall without my bike and there was no way for me to drag my bike without taking a bullet. Raiding the police headquarters ended up being the smartest move I have made since the government shutdown. Pulling the pin from one of the grenades I tossed it towards the trigger happy gang members. After a few seconds it exploded and just like in the movies the blast was so powerful it killed or incapacitated most of the gang members. In the confusion I swung up, shouldered my rifle, and quickly dispatched the few gang members that were still standing. I was able to freely navigate myself away from the X. But in which direction would I flee from the X?
I was certain that continuing east down the trail was a bad idea. Ambushes were like to be encountered every 10 feet or so. Instead I had to make my way around the trail. Heading north would take me between Cedar Lake and Lake of the Isles while heading south would take me to Lake Calhoun. Neither option sounded very good as both lakes were surrounded by wealthy neighborhoods and therefore raiding gangs. Of the two bad options North sounded better. There was a bike trail that followed a railroad track and eventually exited into a wide open meadow. While I would have little cover in the meadow I knew that most of the gangs were armed with handguns and lacked any formal training. Their range would likely limited whereas my .308 easily gave me an effective range of 1,000 yards. If I fell back to my training I could probably get a mile or so out of the gun so long as I angled it up high enough (Elite Operators Inc. taught me how to lob bullets almost like mortars). One downside of heading north is that it would put me closer to the gangland of North Minneapolis. Seeing as how all over Minneapolis had instantly turned into North Minneapolis as soon as the government shutdown I wasn’t too concerned.
I pedaled north, praying that I could get into Minneapolis before nightfall.