Tag: Random Funny Shit

Overheard at the Range

I spent Saturday and Sunday fulfilling my Oakdale Gun Club membership requirements in the form of 18 hours of range service. On Sunday I may have overheard one of the most cringe-inducing conversations in my history as a shooter. The conversation was regarding one shooter’s AR-15:

Questions Guy: “Is that an AK-60?”

Me: I just sighed but honestly there is no foul in not knowing what a particular gun is.

AR-15 Owner: “No, it’s an M-14.”

Me: Ohjesuschristonapogostick.

It’s an entirely different thing when you down know what your own gun is. Before anybody asks, no the AR-15 owner did not sound like he was simply giving the other guy shit.

Good to Know

It’s good to see the important issues are being covered by the We the People petitions:

Thank you for signing the petition asking the Obama Administration to acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence here on Earth.

The U.S. government has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race. In addition, there is no credible information to suggest that any evidence is being hidden from the public’s eye.

That’s a relief, I was worried a Wraith disguised as a punk was roaming around Las Vegas and feeding off of the life force of my fellow humans. Now I can rest assured that I won’t be dealing with a creature that can heal itself almost instantly from bullet wounds.

Exactly Like This

Many of the participants at the numerous occupations have been complaining about the recent increase in “moochers” taking food and donated goods meant of the occupiers. Rob Allen has presented a novel idea for dealing with this problem:

Since you have all the food necessary to feed the people, we can consider it a place where you store goods… I dunno, call it a ‘food bank’ or something. We know that because you have only a limited amount of food, you need to ensure that the food is distributed correctly. One way you could do this is issue vouchers for food with the condition that those who take food promise to bring more in later to replenish the stocks. Call this “a food loan”. Even the homeless people would have to agree to pay back their fair share of food. By doing so, your bank can ensure it always has enough food to feed everyone!

Finally, when you realize that there’s not enough food to go around, you can tell all the people holding ‘food credit’ that they need to pay up and when they complain that their degree in Domicile Avoidance hasn’t permitted them to obtain sustenance (you’re gonna love this part) you can forgive everyone’s food loans!!!!! Just like that!

Exactly.

Top Ten Reasons Why the Mafia is Better Than the State

I often compare the state to the mafia but as this document [PDF] written by Emily Sandblad points out, the mafia is actually better than the state:

Reason Number 10: The Mafia has a sense of honor. If they say that they will do something, they stick to it. Nobody in the government has a clue what a sense of honor is. If they say that they will do something, you can count on it only if you’re getting screwed.

Reason Number 9: The Mafia code of conduct is simple and clear, and unfettered by legal doublespeak and millions of regulations.

Reason Number 8: When competing Mafia families go to war, they don’t kill hundreds of thousands of civilians as “collateral damage.” War is the health of the state, but for the Mafia, it’s bad for business.

Reason Number 7: Instead of conducting the war on drugs and the American people, the Mafia is perfectly happy to peacefully provide high-quality products to those who desire them.

Reason Number 6: When you buy protection from the Mafia, you get protection. The Mafia has a good track record for limiting violent crime in the areas that they protect. When you buy protection from the state, you can dial 911 and die.

Reason Number 5: The Mafia’s protection is much less expensive than the state’s. The Mafia wants ten or fifteen percent of your profits, while the various levels of government will try to snatch at least 40 to 50 percent of your profits.

Reason Number 4: Unlike the state, the Mafia wants your business to succeed. They know that ruining your business means that you can’t pay for protection. The Mafia imposes almost no regulatory overhead, nor do they require that you waste your time filling out zillions of self-incriminating tax forms.

Reason Number 3: The Mafia won’t keep you from having a gun to protect yourself and your property. The state prefers that you be disarmed. The Mafia will gladly sell you the means to protect yourself and they won’t bother with a Brady check, either.

Reason Number 2: The state wants to regulate what you do in your bedroom. The Mafia not only does not want to regulate what you do in your bedroom, they will gladly sell you whatever you need to enhance your enjoyment.

And the number one reason why the Mafia should replace the state:

Members of the Mafia have a great sense of style, dress far better than government bureaucrats, and are much easier on the eyes.

So there you have it. The next time that somebody argues that anarchy results in an increase in organized crime, smile sweetly and tell that person it would be a real improvement over the state.

Heh.

Where’s Darwin When You Need Him

Why is it when we need the ghost of Charles Darwin the most it’s nowhere to be found:

Getting lost in a corn maze is supposed to be fun.

But it turned into a nightmare for a Massachusetts couple who got so lost that they had to be rescued by the police.

It all started late Monday afternoon, when the couple entered a corn maze at Connors Farm in Danvers, Mass., about 23 miles north of Boston.

After about an hour in the maze, darkness began to fall. The couple, who were there with their 3-week-old baby, were unable to find a way out. As the mosquitoes started to descend, they placed a desperate call to 911 asking to be rescued.

The Danvers police released audio of the call.

Here’s an edited transcript:

Woman in tears: Hi, I just called. I’m still stuck at Connors Farms. I don’t see anybody. I’m really scared. It’s really dark and we’ve got a 3-week-old.

Police officer: Your husband is with you?

Woman: Yes. But my baby…

Police officer: A police officer is on the way. Can you put your husband on the phone?

Husband: I see lights over there at the place, but we can’t get there, we’re smack right in the middle of the corn field.

Woman: I don’t know what made us do this, it was daytime when we came in, we thought if we came in someone would come in and find us… We can hear [the police officers]… Oh, my goodness. The mosquitoes are eating us alive, and I never took my daughter out, this is the first time. Never again.

Woman: This is embarrassing.

The family was lost in a corn maze so they decided to call 911… how fucking stupid can somebody be? I’m actually shocked that this lady remember to breathe. Just stop and think about this for a moment, between the woman and her husband the couple didn’t have enough brain cells between the two of them to determine the best way out of the corn maze would have been to pick a direction and start walking straight. Corn isn’t concrete, it doesn’t form a solid barrier you are unable to pass through.

Sometimes Software Bugs Shouldn’t be Fixed

There are times in a programmer’s life where he receives a bug report and realizes right away that it’s not a bug but the user failing to understand how to use the software. This is one of those cases:

I am the developer of some family tree software (written in C++ and Qt). I had no problems until one of my customers mailed me a bug report. The problem is that he has two children with his own daughter, and, as a result, he can’t use my software because of errors.

Those errors are the result of my various assertions and invariants about the family graph being processed (for example, after walking a cycle, the program states that X can’t be both father and grandfather of Y).

How can I resolve those errors without removing all data assertions?

Obviously a case of user error.