Tag: Satire

The Blame Game Episode 1, Blaming the Cat

Ah yes the blame game, one of America’s favorite games to play. The rules are simple screw up and find somebody or something besides yourself to blame it on. The screw up is called as such and the object of blame is called the excuse. The more idiotic the excuse the more points you receive. But here is the trick you need to pass the excuse and have other people believe you, if you fail to make something believable you lose instantly.

Today’s contestant is Keith Griffin. He is 48 years old and hails from Jensen Beach, Florida. His screw up is downloading child pornography, approximately 1,000 images worth. At stake is possible life in prison, registry as a sex offender, and being anally raped in prison by a guy named Bubba. He is currently being held on $250,000 bail. So what’s his excuse?

His excuse is he often leaves his computer running an unattended. While the computer is unguarded his cat will walk across the keyboard causing the computer to download strange stuff.

That’s it. As far as points go he nabs a great many for the stupidity of his excuse. It’s crazy and off the wall as can be while certainly stretching the truth past its limits. The only problem is it’s completely unbelievable and there is no way in Hell he’s going to convince a jury of this unless the entire jury is stacked with total idiots meaning he’s automatically lost the game.

Sorry Keith you just weren’t meant to win. Next time try doing something believable such as blaming some hacker or malware for breaking into your system and downloading those image. Join us next time on the Blame Game.

Multiple Armed Men Spotted at Fogo De Chao

This just in a group of armed me were spotted at the restaurant Fogo De Chao in downtown Minneapolis. The group of approximately ten, all carrying guns, were reported to have gone into the restaurant together to eat. While being seated the wait staff incorrectly seated an innocent individual with the group. The group welcomed this unarmed individual and began chatting with him. The scary part is this innocent individual appeared to be corrupted by this group of frightening gun owners and began inquiring about also getting a carry permit.

After the group finished eating they left without incident. No people were apparently shot or in any other way harmed during this armed mob’s visit.

Handguns and Operating Systems

Just for a fun a comparison of guns and operating systems. This list is just for fun so if you don’t agree with it don’t take offense. If you e-mail me saying how I got a fact wrong I’ll probably just ignore you. I’m not wanting to start a holy are with either handguns nor operating systems.

1911 – Linux

Much like the 1911 Linux can be anything you want it to be so long as you’re willing to put the time and effort into it. Linux can range from being complete junk that is as unreliable as a person suffering multiple personalities disorder where one of the personalities has multiple personalities disorder. On the other hand if you put enough time into it Linux can be as solid as a mountain. Likewise Linux can look plain Jane, with only a command line or gorgeous with Gnome and Compiz. It does take some skill to learn and work though. But in most cases it will never let you down. Big, small, or medium Linux comes in all sizes.

Hi-Point – Windows

Ah yes the very definition of just enough to get the job done. Windows will get you online, it will get those word processing documents to your boss, and it will give you your e-mail. On the other hand it’s plagued with problems. Just like the Hi-Point’s groupings Window’s security has large holes in it. Many people will gladly state that Windows gets the job done and that it’s all they need, but then neglect to mention what they have to put up with in the form of constant crashing, viruses, and random data loss. Not to mention the installation size is positively huge and it’s ungainly to use any of it’s controls. It’s obvious very little time was spent on designing the human interface part of the system. It has it’s proponents but they are mostly people who haven’t used a better operating system.

Glock – BSD

When it comes to reliability BSD can’t be beat. With a time proven reliability many people have come to depend on BSD to run their commercial sites. It’s security is top notch and very few known flaws exist. This is accomplished by keeping everything as plain and simple as possible. Nothing unneeded is included in the default installation. Of course you are free to add in what you need after installation. In fact BSD can be customized to serve in almost any function from a top end server to a day to day e-mail client. Many Linux advocates whine that the license is too soft and weak. They think that the license will crack under the slightest amount of corporate abuse. In fact it’s well know that Window’s own network stack was copied from BSD. Whine as they do the Linux advocates can’t ignore it’s time proven reliability.

XD(m) – Mac OS 10

Based off of BSD Mac OS adds in many features users want. While the BSD advocates whine that all these extra features are unneeded and actual detract from BSD’s perfection Mac users seem to be quite happy. Mac OS is reliable and gets the job done. It’s not as light weight as BSD but it’s far lighter than Windows or Linux. Every new release brings improvements although they may seem small at times. The interface is easy to use with all the needed controls being located in common sense locations. Apple is very strict with it’s human interface guidelines making most applications familiar. There aren’t many different options only OS X desktop edition and OS X server edition. Most people like the desktop version because it’s cheaper and does what is needed, but there are applications where the server edition is just needed.

J-Frame Revolver – Palm OS (a.k.a. Garnet OS)

Palm OS still has tons of fans who tout it as the great operating system. It might seem slim on features now will all the other big name operating systems out there but it still serves a purpose. It will get what needs to be done accomplished. It’s incredibly small and can be put on all manners of devices that will fit in your pocket. It doesn’t have much memory available to it and that can’t be expanded. A reboot of the device will fix almost any problem with the system. Although bypassed by many newer operating systems it’s still preferred by many die hards who don’t want anything else. They just worry any new additions will make the system less reliable.

The Hoplophobe Travel Guide

Via Snow Flakes in Hell…

http://newledger.com/2009/05/guns-in-parks-the-hoplophobes’-travel-guide-to-the-united-states/

Now that all the scary people such as myself can carry their legal firearm in national parks (come February 2010) a travel guide has been made for those of you who are deftly afraid of guns.

Source: http://www.snowflakesinhell.com/2009/05/29/travel-guide-for-hoplophobes/

Wind Farms Cause Crime… Time to Ban Them!

I found an interesting story in The Financial Times today…

Mafia Link to Sicily Wind Farms Probed

Apparently the mafia in Sicily have been linked to many of the wind power farms that have been going up in the area. This itself isn’t surprising nor even news but it gives me an interesting point to make, once again with guns.

See many people say we need to ban guns because they are used by criminals. I always found this logic stupid since that would mean banning pretty much everything. But this little story make the point oh so well.

See a majority of anti-gun people are “progressive” liberals (But note that not all “progressive” liberals are anti-gun, I’m not trying to start any such flame war). And most “progressive” liberals believe we need clean energy sources that aren’t nuclear. Wind power is kind of the defacto clean energy source.

Thanks to this little tie in we can now use the same argument the anti-gunners use but for something they love. See wind power is being used by criminals. In fact not just criminals but the bloody mafia. They are using these wind farms to make money. Hence I have a proposal, we need to cut off this source of income to them by banning all forms of wind power immediately!

At the very least we need to control it. I propose we make laws requiring anybody building a wind mill to have to register it and go through a thorough background check. If you want to build more then one wind mill, well call it a wind farm, you need a special federal license. We’ll call it a Federal Windmill License or FWL for short. These FWLs will be controlled by a new agency called the Bureau of Wind Energy or BWE. The BWE will enforce all things dealing with wind energy and will be given unconstitutional authority to abuse people who disobey all wind energy control laws.

Furthermore we may want to look into outright banning certain wind mills. Some wind mills can produce over 100 kWh of energy with the correct wind speeds. These are obviously going to be more profitable for the mafia so must be banned. And yes I know the mafia isn’t making their profit off of the energy produced but damn it we need to do SOMETHING! Also wind mills above a certain height should be strictly regulated, requiring a large tax stamp and BWE approval to build.

See how stupid that sounds when applied to wind energy? Why then do we allow the same stupidity to be applied to guns? There is no constitutional right to clean energy but there is one to bear arms. Yet the right to bear arms is far more heavily restricted.

HK: Because You Suck and We Hate You

Somebody pointed me to a funny article today…

http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2007/10/09/hk-because-you-suck-and-we-hate-you/

I’m sure a few people who read this (and who I tag to this) have experienced people who are zealous fans of some gun manufacturer because they saw the guns in a video game.

Anyways this article reminded me of an experience I had with some “tacticool” (God I love that word) kids at a gun range in Caledonia.

I had my trusty Smith and Wesson .357 magnum revolver and my 30-30 Winchester lever action rifle. Two other guys there had some fancy pistols (don’t remember their make anymore) and AR-15s. The funny things was each of their guns had more accessories on them then my revolver has chambers. Why anybody needs a laser, flashlight, and red dot optics on a single pistol is beyond me.

Anyways they had to come over to me to show me their awesome guns. I looked at them and withheld my laughter. Then I uncased my guns and they started laughing. I didn’t give them much time, Lord new they had enough problems moving around with all that gear in their vests.

Anyways they made a few comments about my guns being so old my great grandfather must have willed them to me (if only I had some guns with history like that behind them). Then they went on blabbering about how awesome their guns were because the military uses them.

Somehow their guns could suffer through more then mine. Desert, arctic conditions, jungle, forest, molting hot lava, the center of the Earth (OK I made up the last two), you name it. I didn’t both telling them that the type of guns I had with were doing this crap for longer then any of us were alive.

But they also went on a spiel about how awesome H and K guns were. Now they never used an H and K gun before but since that’s what all the cool people used (i.e. movie stars that aren’t Clint Eastwood) the guns were obviously forged from steel and awesome.

Man I love zealous people who think they know everything about guns because they played Counter-Strike.