It’s all Fun and Games Until Zombies Show Up

It appears that all of my years of practice, preparing, and planning my soon pay off. The zombie apocalypse may have just begun:

One man was shot to death by Miami police, and another man is fighting for his life after he was attacked, and his face allegedly half eaten, by a naked man on the MacArthur Causeway off ramp Saturday, police said.

The horror began about 2 p.m. when a series of gunshots were heard on the ramp, which is along NE 13th Street, just south of The Miami Herald building.

According to police sources, a road ranger saw a naked man chewing on another man’s face and shouted on his loud speaker for him to back away.Meanwhile, a woman also saw the incident and flagged down a police officer who was in the area.

The officer, who has not been identified, approached and, seeing what was happening, also ordered the naked man to back away. When he continued the assault, the officer shot him, police sources said. The attacker failed to stop after being shot, forcing the officer to continue firing. Witnesses said they heard at least a half dozen shots.

For the sake of humanity I hope the police show the naked face eater in the head, doing anything less is meaningless. Furthermore they better keep the victim isolated as he’s likely going to rise from the dead and try to eat somebody else’s face.

This is why we have to train people, zombies are coming.

And to Think We Paid for This

So the Center for Disease Control (CDC) has posted up a guide to surviving the zompocalypse. Read through it and then realize your tax dollars paid for somebody to write this guide up. The guide posted is wholly irresponsible in my opinion as the CDC doesn’t even touch the concept of property defensive weapons to utilize when the dead rise. For instance this is what the CDC recommends you have in your preparedness kit:

  • Water (1 gallon per person per day)
  • Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)
  • Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)
  • Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)
  • Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
  • Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
  • Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)
  • First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get during a tornado or hurricane)

How about a fucking gun? Zombies are serious business and all the first aid supplies in the world won’t do you a damned bit of good if you get bitten by the undead. I also love how they have a picture of family members meeting outside near a mailbox. You know where a better place to be in that situation is? Inside of the fucking brick house. Yes it has a glass door but it also has two stories meaning there is a choke point on the stairs where you could gun down the undead… you know if you had a gun. Oh, and this is fucking rich:

If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation. This assistance might include consultation, lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts, and infection control (including isolation and quarantine).

Notice how they make no reference to bringing in the military or weapons to arm local militias? I’m sure that an investigation is going to make mom feel better when her daughter gets bitten and turn into a brain eating undead pile of decaying flesh. Once again the government has proven itself unable to spend tax dollars in a responsible nature. Following the advice in this writeup will likely get you turned into a rancid mass of human hunting death. If the government is going to steal money from me I at least ask that they come up with a proper zombie defense guide.

Fuck the government can’t do anything right.

Why Have a House When You Can Have a Fortress

These are uncertain times and you never know when a stray velociraptor or a horde of zombies are going to make their way onto your property. In such times the only safe place is a fortress and by Thor I’ve found a rather stylish one. It’s a house that is basically a large reinforced structure that can be sealed up in minutes.

It looks as though it would work well against zombies but I question it’s safety against man’s greatest threat, velociraptors. There are many large windows for a raptor to jump through and let’s be honest and admit no early warning will exist if you’re being hunted by one of these clever girls.

I Love Hypothetical Situations

The Firing Pin Journal brings us a new hypothetical situations which requires you to chose one rifle caliber to take with you:

You are heading off to a rural area where you will spend three weeks having to survive on your own. All of your food must be caught and to add excitement to the scenario, a group of 5 zombies are out there who are very bad zombies, part of a zombie drug ring. You are on their turf and must survive. If you can avoid contact that’s good but if they find you they will be upset with you.

Oh and you don’t get any spare parts and 200 rounds of ammunition (For five days that should be more than sufficient).

Zombies only go down with head shots so having a massive caliber in that regard isn’t necessary. On the other hand if you want to hunt something like deer you’ll want something of decent size. I’d opt for my M1A SOCOM 16. The 7.62x51mm is certainly large enough to drop a deer and can really reach out and touch somebody. The gun is reliable and not known for breaking anything. Head shots on zombies will be no problem at all. The only issue would be weight but it’s not that dreadfully heavy in all honesty. Also I know the rifle like the back of my hand which means in a fight with the drug gang zombies I’d have less problems involved with being unfamiliar with my rifle.

Damned drug gang zombies, they are the worst kind!

Zombies Have Rights Now

Shit we’re really fucked people. I just learned from Dvorak Uncensored that my own country not only renewed the PATROIT Act but apparently gave zombies fucking rights. From the story:

The U.S. Court of Appeals on Wednesday released a ruling in favor of a group of zombies who say they were wrongfully arrested while protesting consumerism during the 2006 Aquatennial. The ruling reanimates the group’s federal lawsuit against the city of Minneapolis and its police, seeking damages of at least $50,000 for each person arrested.

First I don’t know at what point zombies gained the ability to communicate and bring up lawsuits. Second I don’t know why the fuck the police of Minneapolis are arresting zombies instead of shooting them in the head on sight.

We’re so screwed. If we can’t rekill the undead they will overwhelm us all. Also apparently the police in Minneapolis lack the proper training to deal with the zombie apocalypse.

Nerf Gun, The Same Thing as Real Gun According to Colorado University

More hysterical stupidity brought to my attention via Snowflakes in Hell. From this day forward Colorado University will be treating Nerf guns exactly the same as real guns. I’m glad I didn’t go there because I had several Nerf gun fights at my college. Also I can carry a gun on campus since I’m not a student or faculty of any college here in Minnesota.

Anyways Nerf guns are becoming popular on that campus for a fucking awesome reason:

Nerf guns have been popping up around CU this week, after some students started playing the popular game “Humans vs. Zombies.” It’s similar to the game of tag.

The humans are supposed to shoot the zombies with Nerf guns to keep them away.

I think this should be done at every college. We need more zombie defense and awareness training.

Education is Key During the Zompocalypse

Breda has a story that reflects the sad state of intelligence in this country. The story states:

Iowa City police are investigating an early morning assault in which a man accused another of being a zombie, then punched him twice

Do you see what’s wrong with this? Obviously the assailant was mentally disturbed. Everybody knows you don’t PUNCH a fucking zombie. You want to keep your body as far away from their mouths as possible.

Man some people are dumb asses.

The Conspiracy to Cover Up the Zombie Threat

How many of you people heard about the most recent zombie outbreak? I’m guessing few if any. Many don’t realize this but there is a government conspiracy to cover up the zombie threat.

The University of Florida was truly prepared. Their website has a list of different disaster recovery exercises, one of which included their response to dealing with an outbreak of the undead. Well it appears the puppet masters of the government got to them as the site no longer lists the critical piece of information. Furthermore officials at the college are now on record saying the response plan was a joke.

It is high time our government realizes that covering up the zombie threat is the worst possible way to deal with it. We need to inform, and most importantly arm, the populace. Not doing this could made a small outbreak turn into a full on zombie apocalypse.

Effective Zombie Weaponry

Well it’s happening again, zombie outbreaks. This time the cover story is under the guise of a “swine flu.” Yes people are dying and turning into zombies and the best cover up that the governments can come up with is a flu found in pigs. But I guess it’s better then the last cover story of a flu found in birds.

Anyways as a certified zombie control officer I thought it would be best to post a quick brief on effective weapons against zombies. Refreshers are always good. The weaponry listed will be restricted to ones obtainable by average American civilians so no missile launchers or machine guns.

The first rule of engaging zombies is to do it from as far away as possible. So the first few things we’ll cover are the queen of weapons, rifles. Lister here are some nice rifles for combating the zombie threat.


Nice light and accurate. The AR-15 is a semi-automatic version of the military’s standard battle rifles the M-16 (also come in M-4 style configurations). They’ve been around since the Vietnam War so most of the technical kinks have been worked out making them very reliable. They shoot a small bullet at high speeds. They have an effective range of roughly 400 yards although you can get more out of them if your a good shot and have good ammunition matched with an equally good gun. Their weight, or lack thereof, make them very nice to carry for long hauls. Ammunition is also fairly common (or at least was before the recent buy up craze). You can’t go wrong.

-M-14 / M1A

The previous battle rifle for the United State’s armed forces. It shoots a 7.62x51mm (.308) round with an effective range of roughly 600 yards. Once again a good rifle matched with good ammunition can get you much greater range in the hands of the properly trained. Their bloody reliable, more so then even the AR-15. Their also a lot heavier so hauling them around while running to the relative safety of the countryside can become burdensome. Ammunition isn’t as easy to find as it is for the AR-15 but it’s still plenty common. Do also note the ammunition is larger and heavier so you won’t be able to carry nearly as much. This means you need to make every shot count. Many can accept a fixed bayonet which makes the M-14 usable in close quarters combat (although there are much better weapons for that).


When Mikhail Kalashnikov invented this iconic rifle he was going for reliability and manageable recoil. He wanted all of this in a package that was easily portable by average people. What we got was one of the worlds most reliable rifles. Out of the ones listed here the AK-47 is the least accurate. Russians never really worried about tight tolerances when they built these things. But those lose tolerances also made for unstoppable reliability. This rifle will not fail you so long as you do not fail it. Drop it in the mud, sand, or water and pull it out and continue firing. This is one of the best anti-zombie rifles out there. It fires a 7.62x39mm round which has become exceedingly rare as of late. And it’s effective range his highly dependent on the quality of the rifle you obtain. But it will not fail, it’s easy to field strip, and easy to use. You simply can’t find a gun more suited for anti-zombie defense for average citizens. Get one.

OK now keeping zombies at a range isn’t always possible so we need to cover medium to close range combat.

– 12 Gauge Shotgun

When it comes to killing zombies nothing is more symbolic then the shotgun. It’s pure raw power put into a man portable system that is hard to fuck up. Simply aim at the head of your zombie target and pull the trigger. The only downside is range, you don’t have much of it. You’re looking inside 100 yards with slugs on a good day and less then 50 yards with birds shot. Buckshot has even less of a range, you’re looking at inside of 25 yards. There are many types but I’ll give my recommendation to the pump action variety. Unlike semi-automatics you don’t have to worry about jams with a pump and at the ranges you’ll most likely be using a shotgun for failures are not an option. The ammunition is bulky and heavy so you won’t be able to carry a whole lot. But shotguns are cheap and reliable. This is probably the best short range anti-zombie weapon money can buy.

– Springfield XD / Glock

I lump these two pistols together because they both have similar features. I chose pistols over revolvers when dealing with zombies because of the speed at which you can reload them and the additional capacity for ammunition. The trade off is reliability. Both of these pistols have been proven to fire reliably in the field so they are your best bets for pistols. When chose one remember to kill a zombie you only need to take out the brain and most zombies won’t be wearing helmets (unless the person died with it on) so any caliber which can penetrate skull will work. I usually say chose 9mm or larger. Do remember though with the increased size and weight of the rounds comes the side effect of not being able to carry as much so pick a happy medium for yourself. I chose .45 automatic because I’m familiar with it and it’s proven effective for me. For most people I recommend 9mm though because it’s small, light, and has very little recoil. The ammunition is also much cheaper.

– Subgun

A subgun is a small rifle style weapon that shoots pistol ammunition. They can get more range out of a pistol round then actual pistols due to the increased barrel length. I haven’t recommended any particular one because you should chose one that matches the ammunition your pistol will use. I have a Beretta CX4 in .45 automatic which has prove reliable to me. They also make the CX4 in 9mm and .40 S&W both good choices. The only real benefit you get from these is more range out of a common ammunition pool. These are NOT replacements for rifles. But having one can certainly increase your range in a small and light weight package (due to weight I do not recommend a Thompson submachinegun style weapon).

And finally for when things get really ugly and you have the undead within biting distance you need to get brutal. Brutality comes in the form of melee weapons.

– Entrenching Tool

Ah yes a small collapsible shovel. You never think of these things as being much for weapons but they certainly fit the bill. They have a nice pointed tip on the shovel which will pierce right through skull and brain with only a little force. And they work for digging and other various tasks to boot. All of this an they weigh almost nothing. This is the best melee weapon you can find when you factor in all the other tasks it can perform. Do note that many companies now make e-tools with cheap plastic, you don’t want one of these. You want to get the real deal. Go to your local military surplus store and pick up a nice one made of good old fashion metal. You won’t regret it (although you will regret not getting that rifle and having to deal with zombies at biting range).

– Machete

What beats a knife? Well when dealing with zombies anything that actually weighs enough to bust through skull. But more precisely a long knife with enough mass to bust through skull. Like the e-tool mentioned above machetes can server multiple roles. They are extremely handy if you have to cross heavily forested ares or jungles on your way to safety. They will cut through almost anything including the heads of zombies. Even if they become dull their mass is usually enough to cave in the skull of a nearby zombie. Do note that like the above mentioned e-tool many companies make cheap machetes. You don’t want one that will break in the heat of battle. Get a nice high quality one and it will defend you from the undead for years to come.

– Crowbar

Although not nearly as effective as the above two items a crowbar will let you bash skulls in Freeman style. They have enough weight to bust up zombie heads and are light enough to carry around. They also have a pointed end that you can jam through a zombie’s noggin. They are also very handy when you need to use them for their secondary function, prying things. Remember a crowbar is a fancy lever and you can always find a use for levers. As stated for the last two items get a high quality crowbar not some Chinese piece of shit made of pot metal. You don’t want this thing snapping when using it as a lever because it will fly up and hit you in the face most likely killing you.

This has been a public service announcement from the Zombie Control Task Force.