Category: Humor

The Onion has Started Doing Real Journalism

For agens now the Onion has been one of the best known satire newspapers. It seems that they have decided to do some legitimate news pieces:

HEMPSTEAD, NY—According to reports, millions of viewers across the country are expected to tune in to tonight’s town-hall-style presidential debate at Hofstra University in order to determine which complete and utter sociopath they find more likable this time around.

“I’m very curious to see which one of these two clinically sociopathic individuals will present the most convincing and authentic approximation of an actual human conscience tonight,” said Cincinnati-area voter Miranda Harrick, 40, adding that both candidates, like all successful politicians, were undeniably skilled at such calculated artifice. “I think whoever is able to best manipulate me into thinking they experience normative emotional states such as empathy and regret will probably have my vote come November, so I’m excited to see what happens.”

This election has boiled down to decide which sociopath appeals to you more. Do you want a blood thirsty war monger or a blood thirsty war monger?

Stubbs for Mayor

I’m sure everybody is aware of my distain for authority and especially political figures. I can happily say that I’ve finally found a politician that I can support, Stubbs the cat:

TALKEETNA, Alaska — A cat named Stubbs has been the mayor of Talkeetna for nearly all of his life — no joke.

It’s been that way for more than a decade in the small tourist town that boasts nearly 900 residents.

[…]

As the story goes, 15 years ago several of the town residents didn’t like the candidates who were running for mayor of Talkeetna, so as a joke, they encouraged enough people to elect Stubbs the cat as a write-in candidate, and he actually won.

Now, thanks to Stubbs, local tour guides have a little fun with the thousands of tourists who come through the town each summer.

A small mammal that generally keeps to itself, is incapable of using force to coerce you into actions you don’t want to take (seriously, if a cat can coerce you then you’ve got issues), and eats rodents that periodically attempt to damage your property and pilfer you food, what’s not to like? On top of that he also boosts tourism so is actually brining money to the community (as opposed to take it from the community as most mayors do). It is my hope that more municipalities will find wisdom in the actions of Talkeetna, Alaska and vote cats into political office.

Do Not Kill Registry

Get you name on the Do Not Kill Registry before Obama puts it on his kill list. Just keep in mind that getting on the Do Not Kill Registry does not guarantee you’ll be spared by the war monger currently occupying the White House:

Disclaimer: Adding your name to the ‘Do Not Kill’ Registry does not guarantee that you will not be the target of a drone strike but only that an additional review process will be undertaken before you are labeled an enemy militant and added to the national kill list.

Don’t Kill Me, Bro

Obama has a fancy little kill list where he can put the names of people he doesn’t like and they will be struck down by a drone whenever a pilot gets around to it. Considering Obama has ordered the deaths of two American citizens it’s apparent that there needs to be some kind of protection, perhaps a Do Not Kill list:

The New York Times reports that President Obama has created an official “kill list” that he uses to personally order the assassination of American citizens. Considering that the government already has a “Do Not Call” list and a “No Fly” list, we hereby request that the White House create a “Do Not Kill” list in which American citizens can sign up to avoid being put on the president’s “kill list” and therefore avoid being executed without indictment, judge, jury, trial or due process of law.

Go sign the petition. Yes, it will be entirely ignored but it would be hilarious to read the White House’s response to it.

Objectivist-C

As most of you probably know I write software. Consequentially I’m always looking for new languages to learn and I think Objectivist-C may be something worth putting time and effort into. Some unique features in Objectivist-C are:

In Objectivist-C, there are not only properties, but also property rights. Consequently, all properties are @private; there is no @public property.

In Objectivist-C, each program is free to acquire as many resources as it can, without interference from the operating system.

Unfortunately I hear the specification is extremely long.

My Modest Proposal

Every election seems wrought with accusations of corruption. The Republicans blame the Democrats and the Democrats blame the Republicans. Accusations of the Federal Elections Commission (FEC) being controlled by the Republican and Democrat parties and therefore biased against third-parties are often brought up. Republicans tell their supporters to be election judges to protect against tampering by Democrats while Democrats tell their supporters to be election judges to protect against tampering by Republicans. The losing party in an election will often accuse the winning party of committing election fraud and begin an expensive recount and possible court battle.

It’s easy to see why all of these accusations are thrown around, both parties are extremely biased. As a general rule it’s a bad idea to have biased entities in control of events they have vested interests in. Having political parties in control of elections is a recipe for disaster and that diaster hurts the genera populace more than anybody. These squabbles almost always end in expensive state solutions, court battles, and recounts. None of those actions are productive in any way yet syphon money from other state tasks like building drones and enforcing decrees that prohibit victimless crimes.

Since I hate seeing inefficiency and suffering I have a moderst proposal of my own, put us anarchists in charge of running elections. As a general rule we don’t really care about elections, we realize that we’re going to get fucked either way. Whether a Republicrat or a Depublican win is irrelevant to us. For many of us elections are mostly a form of amusement, similar to baseball, and the outcome truly has no consequence.

You don’t have to worry about us being biased against third-parties because we usually have more in common with third-parties than the Republican and Democratic parties. There is no need to worry about doling out more campaign money to one part over another because we don’t want to give any money to any party. Voters can rest assured that nonpartisans are overseeing each polling place and counting the votes. We can’t be accused of committing election fraud to ensure victory for our candidate because we don’t have a candidate. It’s win/win for everybody involved, with the possible exception of us but we’re willing to make a few sacrifices to help alleviate your suffering because we’re generous and kind.