Category: News You Need to Know

To All Subjects of the Realm

Hear ye, hear ye, all subjects of the realm. Our Supreme Emperor, His Holiness, our dictator, Lord Obama has brought forth decree today that gives those he deems secretaries the power to take by force, any and all resources within the United States that are deemed to be necessary for the war effort. His decree states:

Sec. 201. Priorities and Allocations Authorities. (a) The authority of the President conferred by section 101 of the Act, 50 U.S.C. App. 2071, to require acceptance and priority performance of contracts or orders (other than contracts of employment) to promote the national defense over performance of any other contracts or orders, and to allocate materials, services, and facilities as deemed necessary or appropriate to promote the national defense, is delegated to the following agency heads:

All resources of the realm shall be first given when needed by those involved in helping production of materials necessary for the war. Any other contracts shall be deemed invalid if they interfere with the war effort. Furthermore:

(1) the Secretary of Agriculture with respect to food resources, food resource facilities, livestock resources, veterinary resources, plant health resources, and the domestic distribution of farm equipment and commercial fertilizer;

All foodstuffs will be first shipped to the front lines. Farm machinery will be put to use to produce food for the army. Peasants working the land are hereby informed by His Holiness that they are not allowed to sell foodstuff to non-state entities. The state will take care of food distribution to the people of the realm if any remains after feeding the army. Furthermore:

(2) the Secretary of Energy with respect to all forms of energy;

All materials used in the production of energy will be first given to the military. This includes power production facilities, coal, oil, and materials required for nuclear fission. Furthermore:

(3) the Secretary of Health and Human Services with respect to health resources;

The army will be given priority in access to medical supplies and treatment. All medical personnel are hereby informed that they are expected to render aid to our brave men and women on the front line. No doctor is to render medical assistance to non-military personnel unless His Holiness give permission to do so. Furthermore:

(4) the Secretary of Transportation with respect to all forms of civil transportation;

All highways, train tracks, airports, and other transportation infrastructure is hereby confiscated for use in the war effort. Subjects of the realm are not to use any means of transportation unless given written permission by the state. Any subject caught driving without state permission will be severely punished. Furthermore:

(5) the Secretary of Defense with respect to water resources; and

His Holiness has decreed that all water resources will be put towards the war effort. Rationing of water is not in place, subjects may visit their local Resource Allocation Center to receive water ration stamps. Furthermore:

(6) the Secretary of Commerce with respect to all other materials, services, and facilities, including construction materials.

Any materials not previously mentioned are hereby reserved for the war effort. This includes metal, plastics, cotton, wool, electronic components, and any other known material. Subjects are required to surrender any materials in their possession that may be used in the war effort. Refusal to surrender materials will be met with harsh punishment. Furthermore:

(b) The Secretary of each agency delegated authority under subsection (a) of this section (resource departments) shall plan for and issue regulations to prioritize and allocate resources and establish standards and procedures by which the authority shall be used to promote the national defense, under both emergency and non-emergency conditions. Each Secretary shall authorize the heads of other agencies, as appropriate, to place priority ratings on contracts and orders for materials, services, and facilities needed in support of programs approved under section 202 of this order.

The above mentioned decrees are to be respected during times of emergency and times of peace. His Holiness has spoken.

Several subjects of His Holiness have raised objection to this decree and were told by His Holiness to, “Blow it out your ass, I’m your mother fucking god, I rule this country.”

New Method of Bypassing TSA Security Discovered

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has had a bout of bad luck as of late. First a blogger demonstrates a method of getting devices through their TSA’s body scanners without detection and now the Wall Street Journal has discovered yet another way to bypass TSA security, give them $100:

Hate the full-body scans, pat-downs and slow going at TSA airport security screening checkpoints? For $100, you can now bypass the hassle.

Want to avoid TSA pat downs, long lines and waltz through security with shoes and jackets on, laptops stored and all the soft drinks you can carry? As Scott McCartney explain on The News Hub, there is a way, and it costs just $100. Photo: Reuters

The Transportation Security Administration is rolling out expedited screening at big airports called “Precheck.” It has special lanes for background-checked travelers, who can keep their shoes, belt and jacket on, leave laptops and liquids in carry-on bags and walk through a metal detector rather than a full-body scan. The process, now at two airlines and nine airports, is much like how screenings worked before the Sept. 11 attacks.

To qualify, frequent fliers must meet undisclosed TSA criteria and get invited in by the airlines. There is also a backdoor in. Approved travelers who are in the U.S. Customs and Border Protection’s “Global Entry” program can transfer into Precheck using their Global Entry number.

[…]

Enrolling requires a $100 application fee for a background check, plus a brief interview with a Customs officer.

If this doesn’t demonstrated the absurdity of the TSA nothing will. Like every state agency they claim to be absolutely necessary for public safety. Talking to most TSA agents will lead you to believe they single handedly stop 500 terrorists a day and if they weren’t doing security every plane would be hijacked and crashed into buildings. The protection they offer is so critical that nobody may be allowed to bypass sexual assault by TSA agents… unless you have $100, then you’re cool.

Government agencies always work off of this principle: they claim their absolutely necessary to protect something but if you pay them enough money you can bypass whatever protective measures the agency has claimed to put into place. My favorite example of this is the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) who claim to be necessary to protect the environment from evil polluters but will let anybody pollute so long as they pay the EPA enough money to buy a permit.

State protection is a scam designed to give the state another mechanism to take your money without increasing taxes.

Security Theater at Hennepin County Suburban Courthouses

Here in Hennepin County we’ve had a recent kerfuffle surround the security as suburban court houses. OK, the kerfuffle was stated by one judge who refused to hear any cases as suburban courtrooms because he didn’t feel they screened for weaponry enough. Instead of firing him the county eventually caved and spent major money on nothing:

“We don’t know that anybody will ever be injured in our courthouses, but we don’t want it to happen,” said Commissioner Jan Callison, who sponsored the resolution. “And we know that they are places that are high stress, with people under a lot of pressure. And people under pressure who have access to weapons do things they shouldn’t do.”

[…]

After considering closing the Southdale court in Edina — where it would cost about $900,000 to rebuild the entryway to accommodate a walk-through detector — the board decided to have visitors there screened with handheld devices for now.

A permanent solution for Southdale and the other two courts will have to await conclusions of a $150,000 study on court security that the board ordered Tuesday from the administration.

That report is due Nov. 1; in the meantime, a $77,000 security report commissioned from the National Center for State Courts will be finished this spring.

Emphasis mine. While nobody has actually been harmed in a Hennepin County courthouse they’re spending in excess of $1 million to boost security because of one whiny judge who was probably lazy and figured bitching about the lacking security at the suburban courthouses would get him out of working for a while.

But hark, a case proving the necessity of these additional security measures has appeared in Texas! Except, it hasn’t:

A man has opened fire outside a court in the US state of Texas, killing one person and injuring three, say police.

Again the emphasis is mine. Some people have been brining this case to my attention and claiming it as justification for spending money on additional security at the suburban courthouses here. Here’s the problem, the shooting at the Texas courthouse took play outside. Do you know what metal detectors and screening people entering the courtroom will do to secure the exterior of the building? Jack shit.

This case does bring up the fact that security the interior of the courthouse does nothing. If somebody means a prosecutor, judge, or other individual harm they will just wait for that person to exit the building. Once again the state is putting on security theater to solve a nonexistent problem.

The State Can’t do Anything Well

Who do you think produces the buggiest computer code? Some would say Microsoft, others would say Apple but the winner of this prestigious award actually goes to the state:

Humans aren’t generally very good at writing secure code. But it seems they’re even worse at it when they’re an employee of a government bureaucracy or hired as unaccountable federal contractors.

In a talk at the Black Hat Europe security conference in Amsterdam later this week, security researcher and chief technology officer of bug-hunting firm Veracode Chris Wysopal plans to give a talk breaking down the company’s analysis of 9,910 software applications over the second half of 2010 and 2011, automatically scanning them for errors that a hacker can be use to compromise a website or a user’s PC. And one result of that analysis is that government software developers are allowing significantly more hackable security flaws to find their way into their code than their private industry counterparts.

According to Veracode’s analysis across industry and government, fully eight out of ten apps failed to fully live up to the company’s security criteria. But breaking down the results between U.S. government and private sector software, the government programs, 80% of which were built for federal agencies rather than state or local, came out worse. Measuring its collection of apps against the standards of the Open Web Application Security Project or OWASP, Veracode found that only 16% of government web applications were secure, compared with 24% of finance industry software and 28% of commercial software. And using criteria of the security-focused education group SANS to gauge offline applications, the study found that 18% of government apps passed, compared with 28% of finance industry apps and 34% of commercial software.

Anybody will tell you that proper computer security is hard, but apparently it’s even harder when you’re an employee of a huge unaccountable entity that likes to throw money like it’s confetti at a wedding. It’s a good thing the state hasn’t claimed a monopoly on writing software yet, we’d beg for a return of Windows ME.

Kony 2012

I’m sure you’ve seen that blasted viral video talking about Joseph Kony. If you haven’t you’re lucky. Either way the entire thing is a scam that is attempting to justify bombing in Africa and the following video does an excellent job of explaining this fact (in the form of a rap news segment):

Since we killed Osama there’s been a hole in my stomach.

Sorry to hear that.

I miss him.

Why?

Because we desperately need a new dark skinned disney villan so we can justify defense budgets of trillions.

The State is Here to Help

Or not:

Federal Emergency Management Agency officials over the weekend issued a letter denying Gov. Pat Quinn’s request for disaster aid for the five counties hardest hit by the tornado, meaning residents and communities will not be eligible for federal dollars for the costs of repairing the damage.

The news was yet another blow to the region, which had been designated a major disaster area just last year after floods damaged the area. The 170-mph winds of the recent twister damaged or destroyed hundreds of homes and killed seven people, said Harrisburg Mayor Eric Gregg.

According to statists we need agencies like the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) to assist people in areas rocked by natural disasters. Yet when an area is actually hit by a natural disaster FEMA effectively says, “LOL, sucks to be you!” I’m sure FEMA has a damned good reason for not helping the region out though:

FEMA officials determined that assistance from state and local agencies, combined with volunteer groups and private insurance, would be enough for the five counties to rebuild on their own, spokesman Mark Peterson said Sunday.

In other words we should turn to mutual aid. Huh. In that case I guess we don’t need FEMA then, do we?

I find it funny that the state demand we pay them a tithe for the use of providing services but then doesn’t provide those services and tells us to rely on one another. If we rely on one another, if we practice mutual aid, then we don’t need the state. Effectively the state is once again doing my job for me by making my argument for me.

Empty Apologies

I’m sure you’ve heard about the rampage that ended in the death of 16 Afghanistan civilians:

Sixteen Afghans, including women and children, were killed in their homes by a rogue US soldier in a pre-dawn rampage on Sunday, plunging relations between the two countries into a new crisis.
Afghan President Hamid Karzai condemned the slaughter as unforgivable.

‘When Afghan people are killed deliberately by US forces, it is murder and terror and an unforgivable action,’ Karzai said in a statement.

The American soldier entered the homes of civilians in the southern Kandahar province and killed 16 people including nine children and three women, the statement said.

But it’s OK, Obama called and apologized:

US President Barack Obama has phoned his Afghan counterpart Hamid Karzai to express condolences over the massacre of 16 villagers in Kandahar.

[…]

Mr Obama vowed to hold accountable anyone responsible for the “tragic and shocking” incident.

I’m sure the phone call went something like this:

Obama: Hey, I heard about the rampage that left some of your people dead, super sorry about that.

Karzai: Sixteen innocent people were slaughtered, nine of them children, and all you can say is ‘I’m sorry?’

Obama: Fine, I’ll do a token inquiry.

Karzai: An inquiry? How about you get out of my fucking country!

Obama: Yeah, about that. See, the thing is we really don’t feel like the time is right for use to leave. I’m sorry this happened and everything, and I can’t say it won’t happen again, but I’ll certainly give somebody a stern talking to about this. Talk to you later.

After which Obama hung up the phone, laughed his ass off, and told Biden, “That guy thinks I care, what an idiot!” This is the result of war and it is why it should be avoided at all costs. I think the horrors of war were realized well enough by the founding fathers since they required congressional approval before the United States would raise an army and enter a war. Sadly the founding fathers didn’t realize how spineless fucks would end up populating the congress and give the president dictator-like powers to send American people overseas to die without so much as a challenge.

Nothing is Sacred Anymore

My childhood consisted of more SimCity and SimCity 2000 than I care to admit so I was excited when a new SimCity game was announced. That hope has now been entirely dashed:

“We’re talking about a SimCity where the resources are finite,” Bradshaw said, “where you’re going to be struggling with some of the decisions that people are faced with today, where technology and advances can ultimately have global impact.”

To emphasize that point, publisher EA had An Inconvenient Truth director Davis Guggenheim speak at the announcement event. Aside from the scientific and political barriers to slowing and reversing global climate change trends, Guggenheim said, there is also a psychological barrier that leads people to disconnect from awareness of the problem and continue to simply live their life as they did before they knew about it.

So politics is being injected into my beloved series. Is nothing sacred anymore? Can’t I just load up a game and play it without some political bullshit message being force fed down my throat? Isn’t the constant propaganda we’re exposed to through the public school system, television, newspapers, magazines, and the Internet enough? No? Find, fuck you guys then, I won’t both with your shitty little propaganda title.

I wonder how far the global warming message will go? Will I be able to build concentration camps and send Sims there when they refuse to pull the party line? Can I start wars with my neighboring cities under false pretenses to acquire more resources? Is one of the goals of being mayor of you city to incite a workers revolution and overthrow the bourgeoisie and establish Marx’s utopia? If you’re going to shot propaganda in my face you might as well go the full monty and turn it into Collectivist’s SimCity.

Seriously, I just want to build a fucking city and, perhaps, call down Godzilla to smash a portion of it when things start getting a little slow. How can anybody fuck up a formula that is so easy to get right?

TSA Body Scanners Rendered Useless

You guys can thank Zerg539 for this wonderfully hilarious news. It appears that somebody found a vulnerability in the Transportation Security Administration’s (TSA) naked body scanner:

For those who don’t or can’t watch the video a transcript has been made available:

Here are several images produced by TSA nude body scanners. You’ll see that the search victim is drawn with light colors and placed on a black background in both images. In these samples, the individuals are concealing metallic objects that you can see as a black shape on their light figure. Again that’s light figure, black background, and BLACK threat items. Yes that’s right, if you have a metallic object on your side, it will be the same color as the background and therefore completely invisible to both visual and automated inspection.

It can’t possibly be that easy to beat the TSA’s billion dollar fleet of nude body scanners, right? The TSA can’t be that stupid, can they?

Unfortunately, they can, and they are. To put it to the test, I bought a sewing kit from the dollar store, broke out my 8th grade home ec skills, and sewed a pocket directly on the side of a shirt. Then I took a random metallic object, in this case a heavy metal carrying case that would easily alarm any of the “old” metal detectors, and walked through a backscatter x-ray at Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport. On video, of course. While I’m not about to win any videography awards for my hidden camera footage, you can watch as I walk through the security line with the metal object in my new side pocket. My camera gets placed on the conveyer belt and goes through its own x-ray, and when it comes out, I’m through, and the object never left my pocket.

If you want to get something through one of these body scanners just make sure it’s made of metal. I’m guessing the polymer frames of Glock and M&P pistols will set off the scanners so make sure you’re smuggling a metal framed gun, like a 1911.

Does this mean the TSA will admit failure and ditch these scanners? Fuck no! I’ll be money that they’ll now force their victims passengers to submit to a naked body scan and a trip through the metal detectors from here on out. Whatever they decide it’s good to see ingenuity will render their tactics pointless.