Tag: Random Funny Shit

Congress Takes 4th Grade Class Hostage; Demands $12 Trillion Ransom

There are times I absolutely love The Onion:

WASHINGTON — Brandishing shotguns and semiautomatic pistols, members of the 112th U.S. Congress took a class of visiting schoolchildren hostage today, barricading themselves inside the Capitol rotunda and demanding $12 trillion dollars in cash.

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), who has emerged as spokesman for the bipartisan group, informed FBI negotiators this morning that the ransom was to be placed in stainless-steel suitcases and left on the Capitol steps by 4 p.m. sharp. If their demands are not met in full, the 11-term representative announced, “all the kids will die.”

[…]

Shaken witnesses reported that the ordeal broke out around 10 a.m. this morning, when in the midst of a Capitol building tour, Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) suddenly burst into the National Statuary Hall with a pair of black panty hose over his head and began firing a Beretta 9 mm handgun into the air, shouting, “Everybody down! Everybody get the fuck down!”

Sadly unlike myself the federal government doesn’t have a sense of humor:

US police are investigating tweets by a satirical news website about a fake security alert at Washington DC’s Capitol building.

The Onion said on its Twitter account that “screams and gunfire” had been heard inside the Capitol. It later said schoolchildren had been taken hostage.

I’m pretty sure a vast majority of the people on the planet realize that The Onion is a satirical news source. When you see something going across their Twitter account you know it’s a lead up to new piece of satire.

Let’s also be honest, who here would be surprised if Congress took a class of 4th graders hostage? They use the it’s-for-the-children excuse to push through so much erroneous legislation that they might as well physically kidnap kids next time. Either way they would be doing the same thing they always do, hide behind children as an excuse to advance the police state.

The Irony Tastes Sweet

I have a friend who we will call Boris in order to protect his true identity. Boris is a communist (like a real communist, I’m not saying this as an insult) who has been working hard at finding work. During the span of time that he’s been unemployed he’s been writing numerous complaints about being poor (from his iPad) and about how the “rich” should pay their “fair share” of taxes.

Low and behold Boris has found a job but alas fate has decided to be a cruel bitch as he had the following to say:

My new found job lands me in the 25% tax bracket… really US? Can I ever cut a *$^*# break….

I can’t tell you how hard I laughed when I read this. Oh the irony of demanding the “rich” pay more taxes and then landing a new job only to be made to pay more taxes is almost too great. Boris if you’re reading this I’m sorry but this is absolutely hilarious from where I’m sitting.

Following his post Boris also tried to justify his anger but claiming people making over $1 million should be made to pay a 90% income tax. It’s nice to see he finally found an exact definition of rich which, not surprisingly, is above his pay scale. I really wish Boris would just jump on my bandwagon and detest all taxation as theft because then he could remain ideologically consistent while complaining about having to pay more income tax.

If you’ll excuse me my stomach is in pain from all the laughing I’m doing right now.

Put Out or Pay Out

There have been some interesting precedences set by court cases throughout human history and this has to be one of the more interesting ones:

The 51-year-old man was fined under article 215 of France’s civil code, which states married couples must agree to a “shared communal life”.

[…]

But the 47-year-old ex-wife then took him back to court demanding 10,000 euros in compensation for “lack of sex over 21 years of marriage”.

The ex-husband claimed “tiredness and health problems” had prevented him from being more attentive between the sheets.

But a judge in the south of France’s highest court in Aix-en-Provence ruled: “A sexual relationship between husband and wife is the expression of affection they have for each other, and in this case it was absent.

So in France I guess the new ruling states both parties in a marriage will either put out or pay out. I’m guessing this precedence will be used quite extensive in France’s not too distant future.

The Irony is Too Much

The New York times has an op-ed piece titled “Republicans Against Science.” What’s ironic is the fact that it’s written by Keynesian economics Paul Krugman. That’s a bit like a pot calling a kettle black. Keynesians like to tout their scientific approach to economics through the use of empirical and mathematical methods but being economics isn’t a natural science, and individual factors can’t be isolated, traditional scientific methods prove to be almost completely useless. Any scientist will point out the fact that you have to use the right tool for the job and the only effective tool for studying economics is praxeology.

Burn

This post really has nothing to do with anybody but the subject matter amused me. I love it when somebody delivers a great comeback such as this one:

Today, Contessa “educated” a conservative Representative that without the bailout, the country would be in “a depression.” Rep. Mo Brooks (R-AL) said he disagreed which prompted the MSNBC host to ask him if he had a degree in economics.

“Yes ma’am, I do. Highest honors,” Rep. Brooks responded.

According to his Congressional page: “Mo graduated from Duke University in three years with a double major in political science and economics, with highest honors in economics. In 1978, he graduated from the University of Alabama Law School.”

That would be like asking Wernher von Braun if he was a rocket scientist. If you’re going to insult somebody’s credentials you would do well to first find out what that person’s credentials actually are.

It Seems The TSA Doesn’t Like the Taste of Their Own Medicine

Agents of the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) love to commit acts of sexual assault against airline customers but it appears as though they don’t like it when somebody returns the favor:

But now, a Colorado woman is accused of putting her hands on a TSA agent at Sky Harbor International Airport in Phoenix.

Court records show 61-year-old Yukari Miyamae grabbed the left breast of the female agent Thursday at the Terminal 4 checkpoint.

Police say she squeezed and twisted the agent’s breast with both hands.

Officers say Mihamae admitted to the crime.

If your job is to cop a feel on everybody trying to get on an airplane don’t be too surprised when somebody decides to return the favor. Hell I think this is something everybody should do, when the TSA agent gropes you grope them back. I would venture so far as to say not groping your TSA agent back is rather rude as they probably feel left out.

Larry Correia Brings On The Funny

I really love Larry Correnia’s blog because he has a way with words. It’s almost as though he is an author of some really awesome books or something. Obama warned that New York Times bestselling authors (who he implied are as rich as hedge fund managers) aren’t off the hook when it comes to paying their taxes. Larry finally spills the beans:

Now you know the truth. A secret cabal of bestselling writers has been sabotaging the US economy all this time. Sure, you may have thought that our situation was caused by stuff like out of control government spending, or onerous regulations, or our complete lack of coherent energy policy, or the devaluation of the dollar, or people/companies living beyond their means and then expecting the tax payers to bail them out, or entitlements that are mathematically impossible to pay, or employers being afraid to hire because of fear of ObamaCare and coming taxes, or the quadrupling of our debt over the last couple of years, but NO. That would be silly!

It has been because of us bestselling authors all along.

My favorite quote from his post though is this one:

Michael Crichton was presiding (he’s not really dead, he just didn’t want to fill out his 1040ES for that quarter’s royalties).

So there is hope for a third Jurassic Park! My day has been made and all is good in the world again.