My New Favoritest Candidate Ever

I know I condem almost every politician on the face of the planet but I think I’ve finally found a candidate who speaks to me. Everybody, I present to you Lynne Torgerson, the single most bat shit crazy politician yet spawned from this glorious state of Minnesota. Her blog is a veritable comedy gold mine, made even better by the fact she’s serious. What’s that you say? Why did I think she was anything but serious? Because her listed positions and statements are so out there that I assumed she was running as a joke candidate, one who was trying to demonstrate the sheer absurdity of the neocon platform by taking it to its maximum potential. My assumption was incorrect though, she’s not trying to use reductio ad absurdum to demonstrate the sheer idiocy of neocons, she actually believes this stuff! Let me pull an exert from her blog post:

I have realized something lately . . . If Conservatives do not stand up for the right values, who will? No one, that is who. Therefore, we must. We must stand up for the right values, and, we must do so for the rest of our lives. If we don’t, there is no one who will. And then, our values will not be represented in the United States. And, it is our values that have made America great. Therefore, we must fight to keep our values ruling and reigning. They have given us all of the freedoms under which we live. We lived in the most blessed Country on earth. We are the best, safest, most free, and most prosperous Country on earth.

What values is she speaking of? Is it free enterprise? Is it individual liberty? I’m not sure, but I can tell you what she doesn’t think are American values:

We also need to keep Ron Paul Libertarians out of the Republican Party! It appears that they are trying to take over my district, and perhaps the Minnesota Republican State Party. I have been told that there is a majority of delegates in my district who are Libertarians! We cannot let this happen. Libertarians are PROGRESSIVES! For example, they say they:

Want to get rid of the Patriot Act!
Want to get rid of the TSA!
Don’t want to support our friend and ally Israel!
Want to legalize illegal drugs
Want to legalize prostitution
Bring all the troops home
They are anti-war
Don’t want to prevent a nuclear Iran
Won’t protect the life of the unborn with legislation
Are pro gay rights

What? These are PROGRESSIVE positions. They have no business in the Republican Party. And, now, one of them is challenging me for the Republican endorsement.

Due process isn’t an American value, which is why real conservatives support the PATRIOT Act! The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) are fucking heros and we absolutely need them! I’m not kidding, just ask her:

We need the TSA and to fund it. Of course we need to fund the TSA. We need the TSA. That is beyond question. Also, it performs police like functions. These are typically funded by the gov’t. Rand Paul has it wrong. Why is just trying to stir up trouble? The Pauls act like they are funded by George Soros.

The Pauls are acting like they are funded by the same George Soros who is profitting greatly from the TSA body scanners!!!!! [extra exclamation marks added for effect and a demonstration of sincerity]

Seriously though, we should be downright grateful to those who sexually molest everybody from the youngest child to the oldest adult:

We should be grateful to the TSA, who protects us day in and day out . . . we shouldn’t want to get rid of it.

Speaking of real conservative values, opposing war isn’t one of them! We need war! If we don’t blow up the brown people in the Middle East who will? Those bastard libertarians want to live peacefully and oppose the initiation of violence! Thank God in Heaven Lynne Torgerson is here to ensure our country continues killing people! After all, what would a great empire be if we didn’t go around killing people?

That’s not even the worst problem America faces, not by a long shot:

We must oppose gay rights legislation. If we do not have a strong moral foundation, it does not matter what economic policy you put on top of it, it will crumble. That is part of what is wrong with this Country today . . . our moral foundation is crumbling.

Those damned gays are ruining our economy!

The gays aren’t our only problem, we also have a bonafide terrorist sympathizer representing the 5th Congressional District of Minnesota right now:

And, we shall eventually win in this district, against radical Islamist Keith Ellison. I am in this for the long haul.

Keith Ellison is a radical Islamist. What is a radical Islamist? A radical Islamist is someone who wants to have Sharia Law supreme in the United States, and will use political means or terror, to accomplish that goal. Keith Ellison, when asked, refuses to say that our cherished US Constitution should remain supreme over Sharia Law. He also recently said that the US will eventually have no borders. Well, if the US has no borders, there is no United States of America! What an anti-American thing for a sitting US Congressman to say.

It’s true, just read through all the citations she… um… doesn’t provide… but are true damn it!!!!! [again, extra exclamation marks tossed in to show the serious nature of her claim] It gets worse, he also funds terrorism:

Keith Ellison is also tied to CAIR, the Council on American Islamic Relations, which has been a named co-conspirator to funding terrorism, in the Holy Land Foundation Trial, which resulted in convictions for sending $12,000,000.00 to the terrorist organization Hamas. Keith Ellison is the keynote speaker for CAIR annual dinners. CAIR also helps Keith Ellison raise campaign funds. So, we have a sitting Congressman who helps a named co-conspirator to funding terrorism raise funds!

My god, we have an islamist terrorist extremist in Congress and we don’t even realize it! Why hasn’t this man been brought up on charges of treason? This is unacceptable! I bet he’s also in league with those gays who are ruining our economy! I know we’ve covered a lot, so let me remind you of her strong held true conservative values:

To remind you, I am a true conservative who will adhere strictly to being a proponent of:

    America the Beautiful

    Strong Homeland Security


    Traditional Marriage


    Cutting Spending

    A 10% Tax Rate

    A Balanced Budget

    Our cherished US Constitution

    Fighting Radical Islamism

    Individual Responsibility

America the Beautiful, it’s not just a song, it’s a mother fucking value! Lynne is also pro-life as hell… unless you’re a brown person living in the Middle East, but then you’re obviously a extremists islamist terrorist Muslim so you don’t count!

Of course no neocon advocate is done until they’ve pulled out the word patriot a few times:

Patriots need to keep their businesses in the US, and employ US workers.

So, my fellow Patriots, I’m turning to YOU to help me defeat Keith Ellison and the Ron Paul Libertarians.

Your generous contribution will bring my campaign that much closer to unseating Ellison and installing a devoted patriot into Congress.

P.S. To be sure we are better positioned for victory against this radical incumbent, we will need sacrifice and participation from fellow patriots like YOU.

She’s super serious, look, she used the word patriot four times! Four mother fucking times! How much more patriotic could one possibly get? Shit, she’s the most patriotic patriot that’s every been a patriotic patriot!

My fellow Americans, our mission is clear, so clear that it could only have been delivered by God himself. We much elected Lynne Torgerson less our nation fall at the hands of radical gay libertarian islamist extremist terrorists! She, and she alone, is our only hope! Without her we will not have a steady flow of LULZ patriotism protecting this fine nation! She even has something for you greenies out there:

Lynne Torgerson the only true conservative in this race supports individual responsibility, free market solutions, balancing the budget, cutting spending, peace through strength, is pro life, 1 man 1 woman marriage, fighting radical Islamism, pro Israel, pro women’s rights, greenish on environment and food.

Emphasis mine. She’s greenish! Sure it’s not green but it’s close enough for government work! I do have to contact her campaign though, she’s using some improper verbiage. It’s not peace through strength, it’s peace through power:

I would also have accepted strength through unity:

I’m sorry, I have to stop now. My sides are hurting from all the laughing I’ve been doing at the sheer absurdity of her campaign literature and blog posts. I can hardly breathe! In fact I hope, nay, I pray she never takes down her site because it’s one of the largest sources of comedy I’ve found on the Internet. It’s like she wants to point out the absurdity of the Republican Party but doesn’t realize she wants to do it, yet is doing it.

Somebody Thought This was a Good Idea

Remember that somebody, somewhere thought this was a good idea:

Less Lethal Africa, a South African company, had their less lethal .50 BMG rounds on display at SHOT.

So instead of having a mere 110 percent chance of killing you these rounds will only have a 100 precent chance of killing you? These seem to be the most pointless rounds developed in recent history. What’s next? Less lethal nuclear weaponry?

Everything Will Be Metal

I just came across something that I didn’t know existed… a cappella metal band. Whether this will create a tear in spacetime is uncertain but one thing is for certain, this band proves anything can be made metal. For your listening pleasure and/or confusion I present you Iron Maiden’s Fear of the Dark done a cappella style by Van Canto:

I’m not going to lie, I’m rather enjoying this.

Mossberg’s New Marketing Strategy

Mossberg has announced a new rifle, the 464 SPX lever-action:

I’m not sure what the fuck that is but I’m pretty sure it breaks several laws of common decency. I can understand the rails, everybody love mounting absurd amounts of shit to their rifles, but an M4 style collapsable stock? Seriously? It doesn’t even look good.

It appears as though Mossberg’s new marketing strategy is to make the most retarded guns imaginable. If that is their strategy I must commend them for going through with it so completely though.

Apparently if Ron Paul Wins the Republican Nomination It’ll be Blamed on Evil Hackers

I’ve always through Thom Hartman was an idiot and a shill but he really putting his dickery into overdrive this time:

Today we learned that our democracy could be hacked by an eighth grader with 26 bucks.

That’s what a security assessment team with the US Department of Energy discovered when they successfully hacked into a Diebold electronic voting machine – and were able to change voting results without leaving a trace behind.


And today – with the rise of hack-activist groups like Anonymous – this gaping hole in the security of our elections – could be exploited for absurd purposes.

We’ve already seen what Anonymous is capable of – from taking down government websites in Tunisia – Egypt – Libya – Syria – and Bahrain – to hacking into emails belong to the security firm HB Gary Federal – to taking on Bank of America – to organizing mass protests against San Francisco’s transportation system – to most recently uncovering the identity of a New York City cop who maced women on Wall Street and posting his name, address, and family members on the web – and the list really goes on and on and on.

So imagine – if they and other hackers coordinated together to hack into voting machines nationwide – and skew the voting results of, say, the Republican Party Primaries coming up in a couple of months.

Suddenly – Libertarian hero Ron Paul might be the guy to take on President Obama.

Emphasis mine. Apparently Thom believes the only way Ron Paul can get the nomination is if evil hackers circumvent our democracy and use security holes in electronic voting machines to rig the results. Is Thom trying to start a meme to throw out election results if Ron Paul wins because it could only happen if hackers rigged the vote?

I guess Dr. Paul couldn’t get the nomination simply by being the only candidate with a brain. With that said everybody is well aware of the fact that these voting machines are vulnerable to attack and that is why many of us had opposed their adoption.

Good to Know

It’s good to see the important issues are being covered by the We the People petitions:

Thank you for signing the petition asking the Obama Administration to acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence here on Earth.

The U.S. government has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race. In addition, there is no credible information to suggest that any evidence is being hidden from the public’s eye.

That’s a relief, I was worried a Wraith disguised as a punk was roaming around Las Vegas and feeding off of the life force of my fellow humans. Now I can rest assured that I won’t be dealing with a creature that can heal itself almost instantly from bullet wounds.

I’m Hear to Save American Money Again

Sometimes I wonder how the Supreme Court selects the cases they’re going to hear. Usually I can see some kind of Constitutional question that will lie within the rulings and thus understand why the case was taken but other times it appears as though the cases are nothing more than frivolous wastes of taxpayer money. Can you guess which category this case falls in:

The case of an American-Israeli couple who want the US to recognise their Jerusalem-born son’s place of birth as Israel has reached the Supreme Court.

Menachem Zivotofsky’s US passport lists Jerusalem as his birthplace, but his country of birth has been left blank.

It seems the whole argument about who owns Jerusalem is so contentious that our own government advices people simply don’t bring it up:

They cite a provision in a 2002 law, the Foreign Relations Authorisation Act, allowing Israel to be listed as the birthplace for Americans born in Jerusalem.

But former President George W Bush overrode that provision, saying it interfered with his authority over foreign affairs.

The Obama administration says it does not want to appear to take sides on the status of Jerusalem.

State department guidelines say: “For a person born in Jerusalem, write Jerusalem as the place of birth in the passport.”

This case is now going to the Supreme Court and my only questions is… why? Seriously why the fuck is the supposed highest court in the land wasting taxpayer money on this case? Once again I have a simple solution to resolve this issue and save taxpayers money. If the family wants to birth certificate to say Jerusalem, Israel then put that on the birth certificates. On the other hand if the family wants the birth certificate to say Jerusalem, Palestine then put that on the birth certificate. Hell if the family wants the birth certificate to say Jerusalem, Valhalla then put that on the birth certificate. After all does it really matter? Is anybody unaware of where in the world Jerusalem is? Does anybody care? OK, obviously somebody cares so let me rephrase, does anybody who matters care?

A Terror Plot of Convenience

While I’m a cynical guy I’m generally not what you would consider conspiratorial. Yet when news like this sprouts up at an overly convenient time it’s hard to consider it a coincidence:

The US says it has broken up a plot by agents linked to Iran to assassinate the Saudi ambassador to Washington using explosives.

Two men originally from Iran – one a naturalised US citizen – have been charged with counts of conspiracy, Attorney General Eric Holder said.


The two accused were named as Manssor Arbabsiar, a 56-year-old naturalised US citizen with dual Iranian and US passports, and Gholam Shakuri, based in Iran and said to be a member of Iran’s Quds Force.

Mr Arbabsiar, who was arrested at New York’s John F Kennedy airport on 29 September, has confessed to his involvement in the alleged plot, Mr Holder said.

Mr Shakuri was said to be in Iran.

US officials said that on 24 May 2011, Mr Arbabsiar made contact with an informant for the US Drug Enforcement Agency, who was posing as a Mexican drug cartel member.

Over a series of meetings, it is said that details emerged of a conspiracy involving members of the Iranian government paying $1.5m (£960,000) for the assassination of Saudi ambassador Adel al-Jubeir on US soil.

Let’s just link up all the memes in this story. Iran hired a member of a Mexican drug cartel to kill a Saudi ambassador in the United States. Somehow the United States was able to swoop in, stop this supposed plot, and hand Eric Holder the credit by having him announce the miraculous work of the United States government. This single story is so convenient that I honestly don’t believe it’s true.

It’s no secret that the United States government wants to go to war with Iran and is simply looking for an excuse that it can feed the American public. Eric Holder is in some very hot water right now due to his knowledge of operation Fast and Furious, which involved the United States government smuggling guns into the hands of Mexican drug cartels . Finally the drug cartels are becoming more of a problem as their violence spills across the American-Mexican border and we’re looking for an excuse to march in after them (mostly so the government can continue it’s war on drugs).

Basically this story creates propaganda against Iran and the Mexican drug cartels while it boosts the image of Eric Holder and America’s anti-terrorist initiative. I’m sorry but this pill is a little hard to swallow. Hell if you’ve ever seen the movie Wag the Dog this is basically the same idea.

Where’s Darwin When You Need Him

Why is it when we need the ghost of Charles Darwin the most it’s nowhere to be found:

Getting lost in a corn maze is supposed to be fun.

But it turned into a nightmare for a Massachusetts couple who got so lost that they had to be rescued by the police.

It all started late Monday afternoon, when the couple entered a corn maze at Connors Farm in Danvers, Mass., about 23 miles north of Boston.

After about an hour in the maze, darkness began to fall. The couple, who were there with their 3-week-old baby, were unable to find a way out. As the mosquitoes started to descend, they placed a desperate call to 911 asking to be rescued.

The Danvers police released audio of the call.

Here’s an edited transcript:

Woman in tears: Hi, I just called. I’m still stuck at Connors Farms. I don’t see anybody. I’m really scared. It’s really dark and we’ve got a 3-week-old.

Police officer: Your husband is with you?

Woman: Yes. But my baby…

Police officer: A police officer is on the way. Can you put your husband on the phone?

Husband: I see lights over there at the place, but we can’t get there, we’re smack right in the middle of the corn field.

Woman: I don’t know what made us do this, it was daytime when we came in, we thought if we came in someone would come in and find us… We can hear [the police officers]… Oh, my goodness. The mosquitoes are eating us alive, and I never took my daughter out, this is the first time. Never again.

Woman: This is embarrassing.

The family was lost in a corn maze so they decided to call 911… how fucking stupid can somebody be? I’m actually shocked that this lady remember to breathe. Just stop and think about this for a moment, between the woman and her husband the couple didn’t have enough brain cells between the two of them to determine the best way out of the corn maze would have been to pick a direction and start walking straight. Corn isn’t concrete, it doesn’t form a solid barrier you are unable to pass through.