Tag: Random Funny Shit

Beware of Snake Oil Salesmen

Yesterday it was announced that the first diagnosis of Ebola infection in the United States has been reported. Obviously it was brought across the unprotected border by illegal Islamic immigrants working for the Islamic State drug cartel (I’m sure that accusation will be making the rounds soon enough)! Sure enough wherever there is fear there are people ready to exploit it. There is also a notable overlap between libertarians and the alternative medicine crowd (and I wouldn’t have it any other way because I love being in a movement that takes in the oddballs). That means I’m being subjected to people screaming about how we need to start taking colloidal silver to stave off Ebola. What is colloidal silver. I happen to know somebody with a chemistry background and I asked him. Hoping for a zany answer I was disappointed when he explained that colloidal merely means particles suspended in a substance. In other words colloidal silver is nothing more than tiny particles of silver suspended in a solution.

Surprisingly there are no scientific papers describing tests that demonstrate colloidal silver being an effective treatment for Ebola virus. But we all know those testing labs are in the pockets of Big Pharma (that’s what my alternative medicine advocate friends tell me). So where are the claims that colloidal silver is effective against Ebola virus? From companies selling colloidal silver. Shocking, I know.

But I’m here to tell you that you’re being scammed. Colloidal silver is not the treatment you should be seeking. As a person who has read a great amount on the history of alchemy I feel it is important for me to explain how diseases work and why colloidal silver is ineffective.

Aristotle explained that there are four elements: earth, wind, water, and fire. These four elements have specific qualities. Fire is primarily hot and secondarily dry. Air is primarily wet and secondarily dry. Water is primarily cold and secondarily wet (yup, water is wet secondarily). Earth is primarily dry and secondarily cold. The human body is in perfect health when all four qualities are in balance. If one quality becomes more than another there is imbalance and that is how illnesses occur. The name for the cold derives from the fact that it is an imbalance due to an increase amount of cold in the human body[1]. Therefore treating illnesses requires restoring balance to the human body.

You’re probably wondering what causes imbalances in the human body. The answer to that is simple, impurities. How does one counteract impurities? By introducing purer substances. It is well know that silver, due to its low reactivity, is a fairly pure metal. But there is an even purer metal and due to how severely imbalanced a human body must be to become ill with Ebola we will need the purest substance there is. Gold just so happens to be that substance. It is the purest of all substances, which is demonstrated by its low reactivity. As it is the purest metal people should be looking to take colloidal gold instead of colloidal silver. I know, I know, gold is really fucking expensive. But that is mostly due to a combination of its scarcity and purity. Luckily for you I have a solution for this problem as well. We must cease funding all other research and divert those resources to relearning the art of creating philosopher’s stones. With philosopher’s stones we can take an abundant but impure metal such as a lead and transmute it into gold. Once we regain that ability we will cure humanity of all ailments. In other words I just explained how to save the entire human race from Ebola virus. You can thank me later.

Most of you who read this probably recognized it as bullshit. The theories of alchemy based on Aristotle’s four elements have long ago been disproved. But the diatribe I spewed above is no less scientifically sound than the claim that colloidal silver cures Ebola virus. At least what I wrote above was, at one time, scientifically sound based on the available knowledge at the time.

When I wrote this one of my friends jokingly remarked that I was in the pocket of Big Alchemy (which is now my tagline). Meanwhile the people advocating colloidal silver mocked me and said that my claim was bullshit and not based on any scientific research. Talk about irony. But what really irks me about this whole mess is the predatory nature of these colloidal silver peddlers. They have a bogus product and use fear to convince people to buy it. In that way they are similar to the state. And that’s downright irritating.

[1] Unlike most of this article, this claim isn’t bullshit. The name for the common cold originally comes from the belief that it was caused due to an increase in the cold quality. This was due to too much water element, which was believed to be responsible for symptoms such as a runny nose. You can read about this and other interesting facts regarding the history of alchemy in The Secrets of Alchemy, which is an excellent historical book and not some zany new age shit claiming to teach alchemy.

New Social Media Site for the Rest of Us

Are you sick of seeing people on your social media sites buying cheap, tacky Rolex watches? Do you wonder why you have to suffer through posts of friends posting their shitty Ferrari (seriously, couldn’t they afford a real car)? Do you tire of Facebook and Twitter showing you pictures of puny yachts? Are you simply sick and tired of the problems of poor people appearing in your social media feeds? Well I’ve got good news for you, there’s a new social media site that will free you from all of this drudgery:

For a cool $9,000 first-year membership fee (and $3,000 a year every year after that), high-rollers can crowdsource names for their yachts or complain about having to fly commercial to a like-minded, sympathetic audience. Netropolitan is billing itself as “the world’s most exclusive online community,” one that will allow “affluent and accomplished individuals worldwide to socialize in a completely private and secure manner.” With the hefty subscription prices, Netropolitan can afford to be ad-free. And the posts will be moderated by the company’s own “professional moderators.”

$9,000 for the initial year and $3,000 for every year after that is a positive steal for getting away from Facebook and Twitter and their poor pauper users. Never again will you have to be burdened by the pathetic annoyances of serfs. So run along and join your diamond encrusted circlejerk today!

Are Terrorists Intercepting Your Phone Calls

I’m here to bring you an exclusive special Fear Day report. Waves were made last week when it become known that rouge cell towers were intercepting phone calls:

The Internet is abuzz with reports of mysterious devices sprinkled across America—many of them on military bases—that connect to your phone by mimicking cell phone towers and sucking up your data. There is little public information about these devices, but they are the new favorite toy of government agencies of all stripes; everyone from the National Security Agency to local police forces are using them.

These fake towers, known as “interceptors,” were discovered in July by users of the CryptoPhone500, one of the ultra-secure cell phones released after Edward Snowden’s leaks about NSA snooping.

This technology was originally unveiled at the terrorist hacker training conference in Las Vegas in 2010. Since that time the technology has continued to be refined and now unknown agents are constructing rouge cell towers in major metropolitan areas. What’s even more concerning is that both local and federal law enforcement agencies seem to be unable to identify these towers until it’s too late. Many news sources have speculated that these towers are being operated by local police forces or the National Security Agency (NSA). While those explanations are certainly within the realm of possibility I think one of the most terrifying possibilities has gone unaddressed. What if these rouge cell towers are being operated by the Islamic State (IS)?

Unbiased, extremely reliable sources have reported that the IS is operating numerous training camps within the United States. Based on that information and a bunch of speculation I developed by reading cracks that developed in some animal bones that I tossed into a fire I have come to the conclusion that the rouge cell towers are almost certainly part of the IS’s invasion plan. For what purposes I cannot say. But looking at the map of identified rouge cell towers it’s possible that the IS is intercepting the phone calls of some major players in the business world. Perhaps the IS plans to assassinate these individuals as a form of economic warfare. There’s no way to know for sure.

I will continue this investigation as soon as I can obtain more animal bones and let you know what I discover. Until then please remember to inform the police if you see any cell towers. Lets the professionals determine whether or not the cell tower is legitimate or, in fact, a rouge tower setup by the IS.

Terrorists are Crossing Our Borders

We interrupt this blog for another special Fear Day announcement! Extremely reliable sources have obtained footage of actual Islamic State (IS) terrorists crossing the Canadian border:

Holy shit! That’s some scary footage! It not only appears as though these terrorists are capable of infiltrating America but they’ve been training in ninjutsu to improve their chances of entering undetected (obviously this extremely dangerous terrorist failed his ninjutsu training as we can clearly see him)! We may be seeing a repeat of the ninja crime wave that plagued this country during the late ’80s and early ’90s.

But the this video shows why it’s critically important for you to keep an watchful eye out for suspicious individuals (namely anybody whose skin is a bit darker than European or is dressed like a ninja). You never know where they will try to strike.

Now We Know Why John McCain Discussed with ISIS

Last year John McCain sneaked across the Syrian border to hold a meeting with some of the country’s rebels. As it turns out some of those rebels ended up in ISIS. While we didn’t know what he discussed with the rebels at the time we now know:

At least four hostages held in Syria by the Islamic State, including an American journalist who was recently executed by the group, were waterboarded in the early part of their captivity, according to people familiar with the treatment of the kidnapped Westerners.

If anybody knows how to waterboard people it’s John McCain!

Krav Maga

So this has to be one of the funnier tweets I’ve come across:

Anybody who has done Krav Maga or knows something about the system will get it. Also, I post this purely from a martial arts standpoint not a political standpoint (so don’t bother bitching at me that Israel is defending itself against evil Hamas or whatever, that’s not the point of this post and I’m not going to get drawn into that unending argument).

Georgia Rustled a Lot of Jimmies With Its New Gun Rights Bill

Nathan Deal, the governor of Georgia, recently signs a pretty sweeping gun rights bill:

Gov. Nathan Deal signed legislation today that would vastly expand where Georgians can legally carry firearms, a proposal that has drawn heaps of praise and scorn from outside groups.

“People who follow the rules can protect themselves and their families from people who don’t follow the rules,” said Deal, adding: “The Second Amendment should never be an afterthought. It should reside at the forefronts of our minds.”

It’s nice to see the people of Georgia have better legal options available for their self-defense. But what’s really entertaining about the signing of this bill are the number of anti-gunner jimmies that it rustled. Let’s start with Warren Summers, the chief of police of Norcross, Georgia:

Picture this: It’s a pleasant summer day. The kids are out of school, and you’ve decided to take them to the local park. You’re sitting on a park bench in the shade, watching them play, when you suddenly notice a man dressed in a heavy winter coat approaching the playground.

As he scurries past you, you notice a handgun strapped around his waistband. Alarmed? You should be. Who is this man, and why is he armed at your children’s playground? Concerned enough to call the local police?

I find it ironic that a police officer is trying to make people who carry handguns near schools sound sinister. That’s exactly what cops do. Most of us who live in larger metropolitan areas don’t know the cops personally so we don’t know if they are level-headed individuals or violent psychopaths. If you’re concerned about a stranger without a badge carrying a gun near a school then you should be equally worried about a stranger with a gun and a badge carrying a gun near a school. Or you could be a sensible human being and realize that a vast majority of us are nonviolent so assuming every stranger you see is maleficent is a pretty paranoid attitude.

Slate, always a great source of hysterics, took it’s usually sarcastic tone when discussing the signing of the bill:

The problem in Georgia isn’t that you can’t own a gun. The problem, you see, is that once you do own a gun you can’t take it absolutely everywhere you want to. But what to do about those pesky restrictions on where you can, and cannot, pack heat? Problem solved. On Wednesday, Georgia Governor Nathan Deal signed a bill that doesn’t cramp gun owners’ gun-toting style so much by vastly expanding where firearms can be legally carried in the state.

That actually was a problem and will remain a problem as the bill didn’t eliminate all gun-free zones. ThinkProgress (can you tell I was searching through well-known anti-gun websites for blog fodder) almost disappointed me but then redeemed itself in the last paragraph:

The provision authorizing guns in bars is especially likely to result in an uptick of violence. According to Washington State University Sociology Professor Jennifer Schwartz, “40% of male [homicide] offenders were drinking alcohol at the time” of their offense, and about one in three female offenders were also drinking.

Let me first point out that Minnesota allows permit holder to carry firearms into bars. You can even legally have a drink so long as your blood alcohol level stays below .04%. Guess what? Our state’s bars haven’t turned into murder zones. In fact permit holders in this state committing murder or manslaughter is only .542 per 100,000 versus 1.78 per 100,000 of the general population. So the concern that allowing permit holder to carry in bars will cause an increase in violence is nothing more than fear mongering. I also applaud ThinkProgress for including a link to a totally irrelevant study. 40% of male homicide offenders may have been drinking but that doesn’t mean they were permit holders, drinking at a bar, or otherwise fall in the demographics that ThinkProgress is trying to demonize.

My next stop in the search for rustled jimmies was Salon. Unlike ThinkProgress, Salon delivered up front:

This probably won’t come as news to Salon’s readers in the state of Georgia, but it turns out it’s way, way, way too hard in the Peach State for one to procure and go everywhere with a gun. So the state Legislature, keeping its eyes firmly fixed on the real issues that matter, is on the verge of remedying this grave injustice by eliminating seemingly every single law regulating firearms in Georgia (which, considering this is Georgia, might not be quite as much work as it seems).

So much impotent sarcasm. We can see that the mere fact that Georgia tends to lean towards gun rights really upsets the staff at Salon. But the real gold was found towards the end:

As if all of that weren’t enough, MoJo reports that the bill would also so broaden the state’s SYG regulations that even a person using a gun he does not legally hold would be allowed to claim a SYG defense.

Oh. My. God. This bill enables people to use whatever tool they have at hand, regardless of whether or not they legally hold it, to defend their life? What a travesty! How dare somebody be allowed to legally defend themselves with something they don’t legally hold! Seriously, that paragraph was probably the best find in my search for rustled jimmies. It packs so much stupidity into such a small paragraph.

I really enjoy it when pro-gun rights legislation passes because it really, really upsets people who think everybody has a moral duty to die at the hands of a violent criminal instead of defending themselves. When somebody subscribes to such a cockamamie idea I relish seeing them not get what they want.

Rules Are For Thee, Not For Me: Part XXII

It must be nice being a police officer. In addition to a snazzy costume that causes people to kneel before their feet on sight (so they don’t get beaten) they are also allowed to break the very laws they’re tasked with enforcing. Hawaii has to have one of the funniest legal exceptions for police officers though and, unsurprisingly, the police are fighting the potential repeal of this exception:

Honolulu police officers have urged lawmakers to keep an exemption in state law that allows undercover officers to have sex with prostitutes during investigations, touching off a heated debate over the provision.

Authorities say they need the legal protection to catch lawbreakers. Critics, including human trafficking experts and other police, say it’s unnecessary and can further victimize sex workers, many of whom have been forced into the trade.

This exemption is necessary. After all police officers have such a difficult job and they deserve a way to unwind. Isn’t that the standard go to excuse given by police apologists?