Tag: Random Funny Shit

CPAC Hilarity

The Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) recently went down in National Harbor, Maryland. For those who don’t know, which is likely few of your judging by the typical reader of this site, CPAC is the annual conservative circle jerk. The only thing that really happens there that people care about is the audition for potential Republican presidential candidates. While the conference itself is boring and of little consequence to those outside of Republican politics there is one redeeming feature, the Craigslist ads that appear for that area during the conference:

Ask anyone who lives in the D.C. area about Craigslist when CPAC is in town. They will tell you that the casual encounters ads are rife with attendees looking for some weekend love.

[…]

CPAC – I need a MAN. NOW! – m4m – 36 (CPAC convention)

Okay.
So. I spend so much time in rural Indiana, CPAC is my only outlet for this sort of thing.

What I’m looking for, you, a masculine Ayn Rand, me, the 47%. And I want you to slap me around hard and give it to me good.

Or. . .you could bust in my room, catch me trying to enroll in a healthcare market place/state exchange, and the punish me for it. Punish me good.

We can meet at the bar first, if you want. I will be wearing khakis and a navy blue blazer. (possibly a joke but fun anyway)

[…]

@CPAC looking for my Allen West – m4m (CPAC)

Patriots!

What an incredible day today was! Christie and Jindal and some great sessions. I am ready to unwind and have some fun. I am looking to make one of my biggest fantasies come true.

Me: Police Uniform

You: Army Uniform

I want you to bring a couple other guys for this fantasy too!

We begin by you storming into my room with the other guys. The other guys will proceed to beat me (paddles, whips, floggers is up to them! or be creative 😉

After I have been beaten, I want you to threaten my life and tell me that I am going to die for what I did. I got a nerf gun for this fantasy and I want you to blindfold me and place a garbage can next to me.

Here is the most important part…

Shoot the nerf gun at the garbage can and NOT me. I want to feel like you are going to shoot me but at the last moment you do not.

It may seem like a crazy fantasy but we all have our kinks

Afterwards we can hj, bj and a2m

Photos of the type of man I am looking for and of the nerf gun

With how much time most conservatives spend worrying about men and women who enjoy sex with others of the same gender it’s pretty damned funny to see ads like this appear during CPAC. I know that these ads could be posted by some “evil liberals” as an attempt to make the “moral conservatives” look bad but it doesn’t matter; these ads are comedy gold whether they’re real or just part of somebody’s Operation Mindfuck.

Resigning Like a Boss

If you’re planning on resigning you’re going to have a hard time toping this former politicians:

On Thursday, David Waddell used the Klingon language to write his letter of resignation from the Indian Trail Town Council in North Carolina.

More politicians need to show the level of seriousness their jobs entail. In fact I would go so far as to say all political documents should be written in either Klingon or Elvish.

Impressive

I think the headline of this article explains everything:

Oregon Man Allegedly High On Meth Fights Off 15 Cops While Masturbating

And the headline wasn’t just hype:

Andrew Frey, 37, made a series of outbursts and then began masturbating in Iggy Bar & Grill on Saturday.

Police were unable to subdue Frey with a Taser. It took 15 officers to finally take him into custody.

Frey later told authorities that he took methamphetamine and couldn’t remember the obscene incident, according to the Marion County Sheriff’s office.

That’s impressive!

Go Home Drone, You’re Drunk

I guess this drone had a little too much to drink:

LOS ANGELES — The Navy says an aerial target drone malfunctioned and struck a guided missile cruiser during training off Southern California, causing two minor injuries.

Lt. Lenaya Rotklein of the U.S. 3rd Fleet said the accident on the USS Chancellorsville happened Saturday afternoon while the ship was testing its combat weapons system off Point Mugu.

Also, it seems kind of concerning that a naval vessel was unable to prevent a target drone from hitting it. That seem to indicate a vulnerability in the ship’s defense capabilities.

First World Problems

There are problems that are unique to the first world. For example, a woman wrote Slate to complain about the fact that her husband busted his ass, made a fortune, and was able to retire before he turned 40:

Dear Prudence,
My husband achieved professional success and wealth early in life. His work involved long hours and lots of stress, and by his 30s he decided that he wanted out. His accumulated wealth could easily support our lifestyle indefinitely, so he retired about 18 months ago, shortly after the birth of our first child. He has not found anything to do in that time! We have an excellent nanny 40 hours a week, and outside those hours my husband is an extremely involved father. We split the domestic duties roughly 50–50, as before, but now I am the only one working and he says he shouldn’t be “penalized” by having extra domestic responsibilities. So he spends the week dicking around (gym, squash, books, movies, etc.). It’s making me crazy with resentment, especially when I come home from a hard day at work. He tells me I should just quit if I don’t like it, and that I shouldn’t worry about being dependent because he’s set up a trust fund for me and our son. But I also think it sets a bad example for our son to see a father who doesn’t have some productive purpose in life. My husband disagrees and says he will be “an excellent corrective to the productionist propaganda schools inflict on kids to make them the unquestioning worker bees the economy demands.” He says he doesn’t care if our son grows up to work hard and that work is a lamentable necessity and it is only “false consciousness” to think otherwise. I’m tired of this devolving into a sociological debate! How can we resolve this?

—Do Something

Having a spouse who struck it big and retired early is a problem many of us would be willing to shoulder the burden of. Seriously, if the biggest complaint you can make is that your husband is so rich that he was able to retire in his 30s then life isn’t that bad. Also, as a response to the woman I would simply note that it appears he’s done quite a damned bit already.

An Engineering Mindset

You know you’re an engineer when you read the following article about the USS George Washington being deployed to the Philippines and your eyes jump to the listed carrier statistics:

infinity-carrier

Really? It has unlimited range? I didn’t realize our carriers could folding space and fucking time. I’m skeptical that a mere aircraft carrier could store enough energy to travel the distance from Earth to Pluto. Either the BBC acquired some very optimistic statistics from the manufacturer or the person who wrote the article has no idea what the word unlimited means.

Iraqis are Human Too

Even though this is an Onion article I swear many people would be floored to discover this fact:

CHAPEL HILL, NC—A field study released Monday by the University of North Carolina School of Public Health suggests that Iraqi citizens experience sadness and a sense of loss when relatives, spouses, and even friends perish, emotions that have until recently been identified almost exclusively with Westerners.

“We were struck by how an Iraqi reacts to the sight of the bloody or decapitated corpse of a family member in a not unlike an American, or at the very least a Canadian, would,” said Dr. Jonathan Pryztal, chief author of the study. “In addition to the rage, bloodlust, and hatred we already know to dominate the Iraqi emotional spectrum, it appears that they may have some capacity, however limited, for sadness.”

Something that is often forgotten in war is that both sides are human. Separated by the Iraqi invasion we only get to see one side of the story. It’s easy to boast about the greatness of the United States when we’re not witnessing the torn families left in its wake. The next time you’re championing the United States invasion of Iraq or Afghanistan stop and consider the fact that the United States isn’t the only side losing people. Then consider what the families of the Iraqis and Afghans think when one of their sons is killed by the invading American army. Does it really make sense to put American lives in the Middle East if it only breeds hatred by giving families a reason to hate the United States?

Valuable Information for Voters

If you’re heading to the polls today you should really read this guide. It contains valuable information regarding politicians:

Piecing together the latest groundbreaking research being conducted by commenters at conspiracy websites, we’ve been able to isolate a number of prominent individuals who possess reptilian-compatible bloodlines.

We need to stop the interdimensional lizard people from outer space’s reign of terror on this planet. For too long they’ve… done lizard people things and that’s not good for us. Learn how to identify them so that you can avoid voting for them.