Chronicling the depravities of the State.
I really don’t know what I can say about this story that would add to the hilarity:
A bridegroom has been jailed for 12 months after staging a bomb hoax on his wedding day to try to prevent his bride discovering he had failed to complete the paperwork required for them to marry.
He’s fortunate to be in that cage. I’m fairly certain if he didn’t have layers of concrete and armed guards between him and his (most likely former) fiancé she would kill him.
It appears as though Michael Bloomberg has finally won his war against the homeless:
NEW YORK—Drenched in drying blood and limping slightly, New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg triumphantly stated this morning that the city’s longstanding homeless problem had finally been solved. “Homelessness is over—it’s not a problem anymore,” a winded Bloomberg said to a City Hall press conference while gripping the lectern tightly to prevent his hands from shaking. “I fixed the problem. Problem solved.” When asked by reporters if permanent housing had been provided for the city’s 50,000 homeless, Bloomberg assured them the new lodgings were quite permanent.
Sometimes I can’t tell if the Onion is satire or truth.
There are times when I feel bad for John McCain. While he is a bloodthirsty war monger I still wouldn’t wish senility on anybody. In a Code War-esque maneuver, John McCain decided to retaliate against the letter submitted to the New York Times by Vladamir Putin’s public relations people. How did McCain go about his retaliatory strike? By having his public relations people submit a letter to Pravada, Russia’s state new paper… during the Cold War:
Sen. John McCain, a man of his word, published his editorial — a stirring defense of the rights to free speech, dissent and political expression — in Russia’s Pravda, just like he said he would.
One small problem: As people are now finally pointing out, this isn’t the famous Pravda. After the Soviet Union was made to collapse, its official propaganda organ was sold off and eventually closed. There is no more “Pravda,” omnipresent national newspaper in which the Kremlin disseminates the party line to the oppressed masses. There is now Pravda, the struggling, thrice-weekly organ of the remains of the Communist Party, and Pravda.ru, a sensationalistic online-only news site few people in Russia take seriously.
Being such a war hawk you would think McCain would keep up on world affairs. While Putin had his people submit a letter to what is probably the most famous newspaper in our country, McCain had his people submit his letter to a failing newspaper that nobody seems to be reading. That has to be embarrassing.
Why does the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) need 70 AR-15 rifles?
Are you a true patriot who is ready to lay down his life for his country? If so, I have bad news for you. You may be patriotic but you’ll never be as patriotic as this man:
The truth is, there are a lot of countries, each of which is the most noble cause possible to die for. I only regret that I have but one life to lose for but one country.
I would not hesitate to give my life for or against any other noble nation. Come to think of it, I would even die for a neutral third party caught in the crossfire during a heroic peacekeeping effort, just so long as my death would be in some way related to a country of some kind. That’s how committed I am to the concept of nationalism.
The bottom line is that the current boundaries of a nation are worth protecting at all costs. Otherwise, what would so many brave and patriotic souls have lost their lives for?
He is a true patriot of all nations!
Image gloriously stolen from Reddit.
It is becoming more difficult to see the line that divides legitimate bankers from loan sharks. Between one-sided mortgage terms and interest rates on credit cards that would make a loan shark blush it’s pretty obvious that the banks have simply because another apparatus to separate people form their money. Ironically bankers don’t like it when somebody plays their game against them:
The idea of beating the banks at their own game may seem like a rich joke, but Dmitry Agarkov, a 42-year-old Russian man, may have managed it. Unhappy with the terms of an unsolicited credit card offer he received from online bank Tinkoff Credit Systems, Agarkov scanned the document, wrote in his own terms and sent it through. The bank approved the contract without reading the amended fine print, unwittingly agreeing to a 0 percent interest rate, unlimited credit and no fees, as well as a stipulation that the bank pay steep fines for changing or canceling the contract.
Agarkov used the card for two years, but the bank ultimately canceled it and sued Agarkov for $1,363. The bank said he owed them charges, interest and late-payment fees. A court ruled that, because of the no-fee, no-interest stipulation Agarkov had written in, he owed only his unpaid $575 balance. Now Agarkov is suing the bank for $727,000 for not honoring the contract’s terms, and the bank is hollering fraud. “They signed the documents without looking. They said what usually their borrowers say in court: ‘We have not read it,’” Agarkov’s lawyer said. The shoe’s on the other foot now, eh?
Mr. Agarkov, I salute you.
Fellow gun owners, the goddess of chaos, Eris, is calling on all of us with Android devices. Advocates of gun control have released an app titled Gun Geo Marker. The app was created with the intent of marking the locations of gun owners for unknown reasons (although vigilante justice against gun owners is a likely reason). Eris asks us to spread discord by fill the Gun Geo Marker database with information. Andrew, who brought this app to my attention via Facebook, gave the excellent suggestion of marking every police station. I would suggest marking every public spot since it’s likely a person with a concealed firearm has entered those locations at one time or another. If the homes of various gun control advocates managed to find their way into the Gun Geo Marker database the goddess Eris would be pleased.
Now go forth wonderful agents of chaos and do the goddess’s work!
I’ve mentioned my love of newspaper opinion sections before. Those sections give a rare glimpse into the thoughts of the some of the most… interesting individuals in an area. Here in Minnesota opinion sections are often filled with some of the most insane rants known to man. Thankfully, in all of the insanity, one man has risen to ask an important questions:
Did the City Council’s actions opposing preserving marriage make the citizens of Duluth vulnerable? Duluth suffered a flood six months later, on June 17, 2012. Instead of accepting the truth that the City Council’s unnatural actions contributed to the city’s vulnerability, it was chalked-up to a bad infrastructure or global warming.
I once knew a guy who cheated on his wife. Years later the east coast was hit by a super storm. Did the man’s infidelity make the east cost more vulnerable?
Here’s a product recall I think everybody should know about:
WASHINGTON—Citing a series of fatal malfunctions dating back to 1777, flag manufacturer Annin & Company announced Monday that it would be recalling all makes and models of its popular American flag from both foreign and domestic markets.
Representatives from the nation’s leading flag producer claimed that as many as 143 million deaths in the past two centuries can be attributed directly to the faulty U.S. models, which have been utilized extensively since the 18th century in sectors as diverse as government, the military, and public education.
The Onion is awesome.