Tag: Random Funny Shit

Piers Morgan Gets Owned on Gun Rights

Browsing Reddit I came across a picture of Piers Morgan having his ass handed to him on the topic of gun rights:

Even though I don’t derive my right to own firearms from the Second Amendment any student of history would be absolutely floored by the claim that the amendment was written with muskets in mind. During the writing of the Constitution the memory of the Revolutionary War was still ripe in the minds of the people. They still remembered the British attempt to sieze weapons from Concord that started the war and how necessary firearms were to win America’s independence. It seems odd to believe the authors of the Second Amendment would desire to handicap future generations by limiting them to the arms available at the time of the Revolutionary War. You would think such a restriction would have been written down somewhere.

Cheer Up Republicans

I know there’s a lot of butt hurt going around the Republican Party after their nominee was handed his ass in Tuesday’s election but there’s good news, they actually won:

Yes, Obama began his presidency with bailouts, stimulus, and borrowing. You know who started the bailouts? George W. Bush.

[…]

Yes, Obama imposed an individual mandate to buy health insurance. You know who else did that? Romney. You know where the idea came from? The Heritage Foundation.

[…]

Remember how Democrats ridiculed George W. Bush’s troop surge in Iraq? Obama copied it in Afghanistan.

To any Republicans reading this I just want to tell you to cheer up. Even though your guy isn’t in the Oval Office there is a guy sitting there that has delivered everything you’ve been asking for. It’s time to stop crying and shout for joy because you just won the election.

Sometimes the Truth is Best Delivered Through Satire

It amazes me that a satirical news site like The Onion can make the most accurate commentary about current political events:

BOCA RATON, FL—Saying that the high-value target represented a major threat to their most vital objectives, Obama administration officials confirmed tonight that former governor Mitt Romney was killed by a predator drone while attending a presidential debate at Lynn University.

[…]

The drone strike, which killed three of Romney’s sons sitting near the debate stage, reportedly also took the lives of at least 45 civilians, including 12 Lynn University students, nine Secret Service agents, first daughter Malia Obama, and two cameramen.

“Military operations of this ilk are dangerous, and occasionally a few innocent civilians get caught in the crossfire,” said Carney, describing the lost arm and severe second-degree facial burns inflicted on debate moderator Bob Schieffer as “necessary collateral damage.” “However, we must realize that this is a price we pay when we face our greatest challenges.”

At press time, President Obama was reportedly wiping his face clean of Romney’s blood and had removed his late opponent’s severed head from his lap to begin his closing remarks.

Why is it that a satirical newspaper like The Onion has more in-depth coverage of the presidential debates than so-called reputable news organizations? While both candidates are arguing in favor of continuing and starting new wars news organizations like Fox, CNN, and NBC are arguing over who “won” the debate. It’s pretty difficult to discern a winner when both candidates hold the exact same views.

The Onion has Started Doing Real Journalism

For agens now the Onion has been one of the best known satire newspapers. It seems that they have decided to do some legitimate news pieces:

HEMPSTEAD, NY—According to reports, millions of viewers across the country are expected to tune in to tonight’s town-hall-style presidential debate at Hofstra University in order to determine which complete and utter sociopath they find more likable this time around.

“I’m very curious to see which one of these two clinically sociopathic individuals will present the most convincing and authentic approximation of an actual human conscience tonight,” said Cincinnati-area voter Miranda Harrick, 40, adding that both candidates, like all successful politicians, were undeniably skilled at such calculated artifice. “I think whoever is able to best manipulate me into thinking they experience normative emotional states such as empathy and regret will probably have my vote come November, so I’m excited to see what happens.”

This election has boiled down to decide which sociopath appeals to you more. Do you want a blood thirsty war monger or a blood thirsty war monger?

My Hometown’s Finest

In most towns the police become infamous for beating people but in my hometown of Caledonia, Minnesota the police become infamous for drag racing squad cards down the local airstrip:

Recently the Caledonia, Minn. Police Department took delivery of a new Ford Crown Victoria (curiously, CV production ended in September of 2011) police cruiser. This got the attention of not only the local criminals, but it apparently piqued the interest of the Houston County Sheriff’s Department, too.

Just like in high school, when another kid gets a new car, there’s gonna be talk about whose car is faster. So according to reports, a Caledonia officer and a Houston County deputy lined up on a local airport runway to pit the county’s Dodge Charger against the city’s new Ford Crown Vic Police Interceptor. We imagine there were roaring engines, squealing tires and clouds of taxpayer-financed smoke.

Needless to say I called home to get the details. The linked story is incorrect because the Caledonia car was a new Ford Taurus Police Interceptor, not a Crown Victoria as reported. I was also informed that the Charger is faster off of the line by the Taurus ends up winning over the distance.

Honestly I find this story funny. Anybody who has been to Caledonia knows that the local airstrip is seldom used for airplanes. Most of the time it hosts drag races between local high schoolers, drunks, and anybody else who needs a long straight stretch of road. Obviously I’ve never done such a thing… but if I were to have done such a thing in a 1990 blue Plymouth Acclaim I would note that the airstrip is long enough to get that gutless four cylinder engine up to 70 miles per hour. I can only imagine how fast the police got those squad cars up to.

Either way it’s nice knowing that my hometown police are known for drag racing instead of hurting people.

All Hail the Social Rejects

I think some researched may have discovered why individualists tend to go against the flock while collectivists tend to pursue the status quo:

Most people experience social rejection at some time in their life, some of us more than others

But a study by a business professor at Johns Hopkins University, Maryland, found that social rejection can inspire imaginative thinking, particularly in individuals with a strong sense of their own independence.

Lead author Sharon Kim concluded that, for independent people, social rejection can be ‘a form of validation’ to their own beliefs – and spur them on to greater productivity.

Consider the fact that most individualists are generally ostracized by society. Libertarians are generally considered kooky, unintelligent, and are often the target of ridicule in both public schools and colleges. This social rejection may be due to the fact that libertarians are imaginative and therefore able to perceive a society better than what they are currently living in. Meanwhile collectivists are more likely to promote the status quo. Socialists ideas are generally well accepted in much of society, possibly because their ideas are simply more of the same.

It all makes sense now.

The Republicans Managed to Anger a Higher Power

It seems all of the shenanigans the Republican Party has pulled to prevent Ron Paul from having a fair chance of receiving the presidential nomination has angered a higher power:

A tropical storm forming in the Caribbean could pose a potential threat to Florida next week during the Republican National Convention.

Apparently Thor wasn’t amused.

Our Side Must Win

I think Reason just summarized every election in the history of the world:

The past several weeks have made one thing crystal-clear: Our country faces unmitigated disaster if the Other Side wins.

No reasonably intelligent person can deny this. All you have to do is look at the way the Other Side has been running its campaign. Instead of focusing on the big issues that are important to the American People, it has fired a relentlessly negative barrage of distortions, misrepresentations, and flat-out lies.

Just look at the Other Side’s latest commercial, which take a perfectly reasonable statement by the candidate for My Side completely out of context to make it seem as if he is saying something nefarious. This just shows you how desperate the Other Side is and how willing it is to mislead the American People.

Read the entire article, it’s solid gold.