Category: Humor
Revenge is Sweet
Once in a while karma or the universe or the gods or whatever see fit to teach us a lesson. Take Howard Brookins Jr., a petty elected official in Chicago. He has been waging a verbal war against Chicago’s squirrel population:
Howard Brookins Jr. is the alderman for Chicago’s 21st ward, and one thing he isn’t a large fan of is the city’s “urban squirrels.” Brookins is known to speak out against the “aggresive” creatures for their destruction of the garbage bins around the city.
Tired on his blaspheming against their kind a self-radicalized extremist squirrel decided to take matters into his own hands:
Apparently the squirrels were not going to take that lying down, as WaPo reports.
While he was biking down the Cal-Sag Trail on the 13th of November, one squirrel ran out in front of him and wrapped itself in the spoke of Brookins bicycle. This caused Brookins to flip over his handlebars and land on his head, fracturing his skull, breaking his nose, and knocking out a few teeth.
Today’s lesson is don’t be a politician. Animals won’t like you and they’ll go so far as to sacrifice themselves to strike against you.
A Vision of the Future
If you want a vision of the future, imagine a greeter at Costco saying “Welcome to Costco, I love you.” — forever.
“Terrifying”
If you’re looking for a good laugh go ahead and read this article. It’s a list of “terrifying” things Americans carry on their person written by a Brit. Some of the things that terrify the author include knives and handguns.
It’s amazing what some people will piss their pants over.
Comrade Seal
Are you with us, Comrade Landlubber? If not, I will escort you to our gulag under the sea.
The B-Team
In 2016 a wannabe commando unit was sent to a holding cell by a civilian judge to stand trial for a crime they did commit. These men promptly escaped from jail to the New York City underground by posting bail. Today, still wanted by the police, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can’t afford anybody better, maybe you can hire the B-Team.
John Cramsey’s 20-year-old daughter died from a heroin overdose four months earlier in Allentown, Pennsylvania.
He and two friends Dean Smith and Kimberly Arendt were stopped by police for driving with a cracked windscreen.
They told the arresting police officers that they were a group of vigilantes on their way to rescue a teenage girl.
I know this story is going to raise a lot of question. For starters, how did the police identify this crack commando team? Obviously they went to great lengths to be as inconspicuous as possible…
Nothing says inconspicuous like a truck with neon green tastelessly plastered all over a truck. The target reticle painted on the side is a nice touch as well. I’m sure you’re wondering what the B-Team’s load out was.
A camouflage helmet, seven guns including rifles, and knives were recovered from the car, as well as cannabis, body armour and 2,000 rounds of ammunition.
2,000 rounds of ammunition? I bet they were planning on using discount Mini-14s (Is there a discount Mini-14? Maybe, like, a Hi-Point carbine or something?) and didn’t plan to hit anything they shot at.
Your Rocket Surgeon Of The Day
If you’re going to attempt to rob a bank via a threatening note, you might want to check the other side of the paper you’re using:
One side of the note given to a bank employee demanded $5,000 to $10,000 and indicated the robber had a gun and explosives, according to a criminal complaint filed Tuesday. The other side of the note contained medical appointment information for a 1-year-old — the child of Jason David Ricci, 26.
I think a slow clap is appropriate here.
A Complete Lack Of Self-Awareness
Read the following quote:
There is no liberal version of Breitbart, or The Drudge Report, or Fox News.
Then realized it came from Salon.
I Guess The ATF Will Sell Guns To Colorado Now
A lot of statists are unhappy about Colorado legalizing cannabis. In fact a couple of Republican attorneys general have gone so far as to call Colorado a drug cartel:
WASHINGTON — Oklahoma and Nebraska compared Colorado to a drug cartel on Wednesday and again urged the Supreme Court to let them sue their neighbor over its marijuana production and distribution system.
In sharply written arguments, the two states said Colorado “has created a massive criminal enterprise whose sole purpose is to authorize and facilitate the manufacture, distribution, sale and use of marijuana.”
“The State of Colorado authorizes, oversees, protects and profits from a sprawling $100 million per-month marijuana growing, processing and retailing organization that exported thousands of pounds of marijuana to some 36 States in 2014,” the states’ new brief says.
“If this entity were based south of our border, the federal government would prosecute it as a drug cartel.”
Does that mean the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives (ATF) will now give guns to Colorado citizens?
Once In A While Facebook Has Your Back
I have an extremely dark sense of humor. That is why the first thing that crossed my mind when I read this:
Authorities discovered the body of a man attached underneath the ice Monday afternoon in a channel between Lake of the Isles and Lake Calhoun.
Was this:
When I admitted this on Facebook the magical suggestion algorithm gave me this:
A more perfect punchline could not be made by an army of the world’s best comedians. I haven’t laughed so hard for so long in ages.