Category: Humor

Meet Earth’s New Dominant Species

Us humans have enjoyed our spot as Earth’s dominant species for some time. But there are no constants in the universe and our era is finally coming to an end. Meet our replacements:

Yes, some of Moscow’s stray dogs have figured out how to use the city’s immense and complex subway system, getting on and off at their regular stops. The human commuters around them are so accustomed to it that they rarely seem to notice.

Most of the humans I know can’t properly navigate a subway system! But I know what you’re thinking. This means nothing. After all, dogs lack opposable thumbs. Well they have an ingenious solution for that apparent weakness as well:

Sometimes a pack will send out a smaller, cuter member apparently realizing it will be more successful at begging than its bigger, less attractive counterparts.

Who needs opposable thumbs when you can manipulate a dumber species with opposable thumbs to do all of your work for you? Let’s face it, we’re little more than laborers for our new dog overlords.

Neocon Quest, My Proposal for a Video Game

Every since I was young I’ve always wanted to make a video game. Unfortunately my skills in the art department are nil so it never happened. But from time to time I still like to come up with ideas for games. My latest idea is Neocon Quest. In it you will play a neocon politicians who has just been elected to a city council or a boarder town, which is your first step on the way to the presidency.

The first stage will be similar to SimCity except you’re not building the city. Instead you are using your position on the city council to extract taxes from the populace in order to build a wall along the boarder and to attract several large companies involved in the military-industrial complex.

Stage two will continue from there. With the wall build and military-industrial complex firmly cemented you move on to dealing with social issues. Namely you must run out everybody who isn’t a white straight cisgender Christian conservative or a Jewish individual with ties to Israel.

Once you’ve accomplished that goal you’re ready for the House of Representatives! Once you’re a representative your task is to secure funding for a multi-billion dollar fighter jet that cannot reliably fly, provide oxygen to the pilot, or fire its main gun due to a software glitch.

I’m still thinking about the middle stages but eventually you become the commander in chief! From here the game will begin to play similar to Command and Conquer. You will be tasked with building a military base in a nondescript Middle Eastern country. In addition to building a base you must also harvest resources (oil) and build a war machine to take on the local opposition. The opposition won’t have a base, a military, or the ability to harvest resources. What the opposition will have are AK-47s, improvised explosive devices, and the home field advantage. Victory isn’t achieved by killing all of the opposition units (it has infinite units) but by earning propaganda point. Propaganda points are acquired by killing opposition units, which also helps it recruit new units and thus increases its numbers, and by covering up the atrocities committed by your soldiers.

Obviously this is just the beginning of a much larger idea but I wanted to toss it out there because I think other people may have valuable input.

The New Birther Conspiracy

Since Obama’s election there has been a branch of the neocons obsessed with the idea that he was secretly born in Kenya. They demanded that Obama unveil his birth certificate. When he finally did they started claiming that it was fake. But there’s a new angle to the birther conspiracy and it’s even dumber. Now a branch of neocons are insinuating that Obama’s two girls aren’t actually his girls, at least genetically speaking, but adopted children from Morocco:

While some Americans feel that the two girls have very little resemblance to their parents, others claim that the pair were adopted from Morocco. Similar to their father, there is very little evidence surrounding the two girls’ birth and background. Online searches for either of their birth records come up completely dry.

Why am I wasting your time with this? Because conspiracy theories fascinate me and therefore amuse me. They almost always involve some kernel of truth that is extrapolated from to absurd levels. In this case the evidence cited by the conspiracy theorists is particularly absurd:

Ancestry.com and GenealogyBank.com have no records of the two sisters.

Well that settles it. If Ancestry.com and GenealogyBank.com don’t have records of the girls then they must have been adopted!

My gods this shit makes me laugh so hard. I mean, seriously, there is a list at least a light year long of valid criticisms against Obama. Why are so many neocons obsessed with manufacturing conspiracy theories that are unrelated to the man’s office and entirely irrelevant even if they were true? This behavior baffles me.

New Social Media Site for the Rest of Us

Are you sick of seeing people on your social media sites buying cheap, tacky Rolex watches? Do you wonder why you have to suffer through posts of friends posting their shitty Ferrari (seriously, couldn’t they afford a real car)? Do you tire of Facebook and Twitter showing you pictures of puny yachts? Are you simply sick and tired of the problems of poor people appearing in your social media feeds? Well I’ve got good news for you, there’s a new social media site that will free you from all of this drudgery:

For a cool $9,000 first-year membership fee (and $3,000 a year every year after that), high-rollers can crowdsource names for their yachts or complain about having to fly commercial to a like-minded, sympathetic audience. Netropolitan is billing itself as “the world’s most exclusive online community,” one that will allow “affluent and accomplished individuals worldwide to socialize in a completely private and secure manner.” With the hefty subscription prices, Netropolitan can afford to be ad-free. And the posts will be moderated by the company’s own “professional moderators.”

$9,000 for the initial year and $3,000 for every year after that is a positive steal for getting away from Facebook and Twitter and their poor pauper users. Never again will you have to be burdened by the pathetic annoyances of serfs. So run along and join your diamond encrusted circlejerk today!

Are Terrorists Intercepting Your Phone Calls

I’m here to bring you an exclusive special Fear Day report. Waves were made last week when it become known that rouge cell towers were intercepting phone calls:

The Internet is abuzz with reports of mysterious devices sprinkled across America—many of them on military bases—that connect to your phone by mimicking cell phone towers and sucking up your data. There is little public information about these devices, but they are the new favorite toy of government agencies of all stripes; everyone from the National Security Agency to local police forces are using them.

These fake towers, known as “interceptors,” were discovered in July by users of the CryptoPhone500, one of the ultra-secure cell phones released after Edward Snowden’s leaks about NSA snooping.

This technology was originally unveiled at the terrorist hacker training conference in Las Vegas in 2010. Since that time the technology has continued to be refined and now unknown agents are constructing rouge cell towers in major metropolitan areas. What’s even more concerning is that both local and federal law enforcement agencies seem to be unable to identify these towers until it’s too late. Many news sources have speculated that these towers are being operated by local police forces or the National Security Agency (NSA). While those explanations are certainly within the realm of possibility I think one of the most terrifying possibilities has gone unaddressed. What if these rouge cell towers are being operated by the Islamic State (IS)?

Unbiased, extremely reliable sources have reported that the IS is operating numerous training camps within the United States. Based on that information and a bunch of speculation I developed by reading cracks that developed in some animal bones that I tossed into a fire I have come to the conclusion that the rouge cell towers are almost certainly part of the IS’s invasion plan. For what purposes I cannot say. But looking at the map of identified rouge cell towers it’s possible that the IS is intercepting the phone calls of some major players in the business world. Perhaps the IS plans to assassinate these individuals as a form of economic warfare. There’s no way to know for sure.

I will continue this investigation as soon as I can obtain more animal bones and let you know what I discover. Until then please remember to inform the police if you see any cell towers. Lets the professionals determine whether or not the cell tower is legitimate or, in fact, a rouge tower setup by the IS.

Terrorists are Crossing Our Borders

We interrupt this blog for another special Fear Day announcement! Extremely reliable sources have obtained footage of actual Islamic State (IS) terrorists crossing the Canadian border:

Holy shit! That’s some scary footage! It not only appears as though these terrorists are capable of infiltrating America but they’ve been training in ninjutsu to improve their chances of entering undetected (obviously this extremely dangerous terrorist failed his ninjutsu training as we can clearly see him)! We may be seeing a repeat of the ninja crime wave that plagued this country during the late ’80s and early ’90s.

But the this video shows why it’s critically important for you to keep an watchful eye out for suspicious individuals (namely anybody whose skin is a bit darker than European or is dressed like a ninja). You never know where they will try to strike.

Now We Know Why John McCain Discussed with ISIS

Last year John McCain sneaked across the Syrian border to hold a meeting with some of the country’s rebels. As it turns out some of those rebels ended up in ISIS. While we didn’t know what he discussed with the rebels at the time we now know:

At least four hostages held in Syria by the Islamic State, including an American journalist who was recently executed by the group, were waterboarded in the early part of their captivity, according to people familiar with the treatment of the kidnapped Westerners.

If anybody knows how to waterboard people it’s John McCain!

Krav Maga

So this has to be one of the funnier tweets I’ve come across:

Anybody who has done Krav Maga or knows something about the system will get it. Also, I post this purely from a martial arts standpoint not a political standpoint (so don’t bother bitching at me that Israel is defending itself against evil Hamas or whatever, that’s not the point of this post and I’m not going to get drawn into that unending argument).