Category: We’re All Going to Die

Last Post Ever

Apparently tomorrow is Rapture Day. As the world is ending it appears as through I’ll not be around to post again. I have no illusions of beings swept up to Heaven during this event which is fine as I’d prefer Valhalla anyways. Speaking of Valhalla that’s where I’ll be going because when the demons of Hell burst through the ground and start slaughtering those of us who still remain I am so going Doom on their asses.

Excuse me while I charge up my BFG-9000 and get ready to murder demons to the sweet sounds of death metal.

EDIT: 2011-05-20 12:54: I’ve been informed by my editor-in-chief Nicole that delusion was not the correct word. It has been corrected. I was also informed I such as using commas. That has not been corrected.

And to Think We Paid for This

So the Center for Disease Control (CDC) has posted up a guide to surviving the zompocalypse. Read through it and then realize your tax dollars paid for somebody to write this guide up. The guide posted is wholly irresponsible in my opinion as the CDC doesn’t even touch the concept of property defensive weapons to utilize when the dead rise. For instance this is what the CDC recommends you have in your preparedness kit:

  • Water (1 gallon per person per day)
  • Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)
  • Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)
  • Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)
  • Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
  • Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
  • Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)
  • First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get during a tornado or hurricane)

How about a fucking gun? Zombies are serious business and all the first aid supplies in the world won’t do you a damned bit of good if you get bitten by the undead. I also love how they have a picture of family members meeting outside near a mailbox. You know where a better place to be in that situation is? Inside of the fucking brick house. Yes it has a glass door but it also has two stories meaning there is a choke point on the stairs where you could gun down the undead… you know if you had a gun. Oh, and this is fucking rich:

If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation. This assistance might include consultation, lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts, and infection control (including isolation and quarantine).

Notice how they make no reference to bringing in the military or weapons to arm local militias? I’m sure that an investigation is going to make mom feel better when her daughter gets bitten and turn into a brain eating undead pile of decaying flesh. Once again the government has proven itself unable to spend tax dollars in a responsible nature. Following the advice in this writeup will likely get you turned into a rancid mass of human hunting death. If the government is going to steal money from me I at least ask that they come up with a proper zombie defense guide.

Fuck the government can’t do anything right.

Why Have a House When You Can Have a Fortress

These are uncertain times and you never know when a stray velociraptor or a horde of zombies are going to make their way onto your property. In such times the only safe place is a fortress and by Thor I’ve found a rather stylish one. It’s a house that is basically a large reinforced structure that can be sealed up in minutes.

It looks as though it would work well against zombies but I question it’s safety against man’s greatest threat, velociraptors. There are many large windows for a raptor to jump through and let’s be honest and admit no early warning will exist if you’re being hunted by one of these clever girls.

Bugger Off Mother Nature

If driving my truck causes global warming as Al Gore keeps claiming I’m going to start driving more. Here in Minnesota we just got down with weather involving temperatures in the 50s and now we’re looking at a foot of snow. Did I also mention that we’re under a flood warning to boot? Mother nature sure is doing her damnedest to kill Minnesotans.

Where the Hell is that global warming Gore has been promising?

The Impossibility is Mind Blowing

This has to be the most impossible shooting I’ve read about in a while. Not only did it occur in Germany where gun control laws are about as strict as you can get without an outright ban, but it happened in an airport where guns are a big no-no as well.

I’m completely baffled at how such a thing could happen, it’s double-illegal to shoot somebody in a German airport!

Security Theater at the Theater

Yo Dawg, I heard you liked security theater so we put security theater in your theater so you can watch while you watch.

It seems Broadway theaters think they’re pretty important targets of opportunity:

Additional steps are needed to prepare Broadway theaters in New York City for a potential WMD attack or other crisis, a New York state legislature subcommittee said yesterday (see GSN, Sept. 23, 2010).

I’m sure the terrorists are going to spend a lot of time and effort to smuggle a nuclear or biological weapon into a Broadway theater in an attempt to kill thousands of people. That makes so much sense considering all the weapons of mass destruction we’ve been finding terrorists with as of late… wait, that hasn’t happened.

I Think It’s Time for a Denial of Service Attack

How’s this for creepy shit? Walmart is sucking the cock of teaming up with the Department of Homeland Security to place video displays in stores with Janet Napolitanio telling people if they see something say something. That’s right when you go to your local Walmart you’ll soon be indoctrinated by Homeland Security propaganda advising you to do something that doesn’t actually help secure anything.

Being a troublemaker and an overall anti-authoritarian man I have a proposal. I think it’s time for a denial of service attack against this new Homeland Security measure. The concept is simple. To quote Bruce Schneier, “if you ask amateurs to act as front-line security personnel, you shouldn’t be surprised when you get amateur security.” If you try to get everyday Joes to report potential terrorism you’re going to get a ton of false positives. These false positives need to be investigated by the local police departments as a cover their ass measure. If the number of calls in areas where this Homeland Security bullshit is being implemented increases dramatically it’ll become an expensive failure.

Thus the proposal is simple, if your local Walmart (or any other store) implement these monitors start calling the police about every stupid little thing you see. Every person with a camera, speaking in a foreign language, looking nervous in any way, looking suspicious in anyways, tying their shoes funny, or wearing clothing that is of a color you don’t generally like gets reported to the police. Hell I’d say report yourself as well but the police won’t actually waste any effort investigating an obviously fake call (thus you want to keep your reports semi-believable but obviously amateur). Eventually the cost of investigating all these reports will grow high enough that the local police will want to videos removed.

I did find this last line interesting:

The program has already partnered with the Mall of America, the American Hotel & Lodging Association, Amtrak, the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority, sports and general aviation industries, and other organizations across the country, DHS said.

The Mall of America is right in my backyard (on the other end of the Twin Cities). I’ll have to actually go there sometime and see if these videos are playing and if they are start making some phone calls. Lord knows I’m still pissed that the Mall of America thinks they can ban firearms on the premises even though they are a landlord (who legally can’t ban in the state of Minnesota).

Swine Flu II: The Revengance

Jay over at MArooned found that scientists have discovered a new super mega plague that is going to kill use all! It’s swine flu all over again! Millions will die! HIDE THE CHILDREN! OH ODIN HAVE MERCY!

Seriously we’ve played this game all ready. The new bug is being labeled as NDM-1 and apparently “there are almost no drugs to treat it.” I’m putting money on there being a convenient vaccine released next month (after the bug has been hyped as black plague II) from a major pharmaceutical company.