Month: September 2014

The Double Standards of Police Dogs

It’s no secret that police officers love executing dogs. In fact officers murdering dogs has become so common that there’s a term for it: puppycide. What makes matters worse is that officers who shoot a dog seldom face any consequences. On the other hand if you shoot a police dog the wrath and fury of Hell itself will fall upon you. This is one of those fun double standards that are common in police states. Once you pin a badge to something it suddenly becomes more important than the commoners. But what happens when a badged creature kills another badged creature? What if a police dog is killed by a police officer due to that officer’s negligence? It’s a question many have probably wondered but now we know:

DUPLIN COUNTY, NC (WWAY) — A Duplin County Sheriff’s K-9 died last month after sitting in a hot squad car all night.

The sheriff disciplined Kela’s handler, but the punishment is not as harsh as some people think it should be.

“I just think it’s crazy, because they get on everyone else for leaving their animals in the car and dying, and they want to throw them in jail, but they can’t do nothing about their own officer that kills one of their K9s,” Duplin County resident Michael Foss said.

All badges are equal, but some badges are more equal than others. It seems that a police dog is a sworn officer unless it’s killed by a human police officer. So now we know that a badged dog is worth more than a commoner but a badged human is worth more than a badged dog.

Canadians Warned About Traveling Into the United Police States of America

Us Americans love bragging about living in the freest goddamn country on Earth. And woe is the poor son of a bitch who crosses a self-proclaimed patriot by saying the United States aren’t actually very free. But when you have people in neighboring countries warning their fellow citizens not to enter the United States with large amounts of cash less some police officer confiscates it using civil forfeiture laws, well, you can’t make too many claims about being a free country:

On its official website, the Canadian government informs its citizens that “there is no limit to the amount of money that you may legally take into or out of the United States.” Nonetheless, it adds, banking in the U.S. can be difficult for non-residents, so Canadians shouldn’t carry large amounts of cash.

That last bit is excellent advice, but for an entirely different reason than the one Ottawa cites.

There’s a shakedown going on in the U.S., and the perps are in uniform.

Across America, law enforcement officers — from federal agents to state troopers right down to sheriffs in one-street backwaters — are operating a vast, co-ordinated scheme to grab as much of the public’s cash as they can; “hand over fist,” to use the words of one police trainer.

The article then goes on to explain the scam, which everybody in this country should be aware of. Basically civil forfeiture laws allow an officer to confiscate any property that they claim to believe is tied to a drug crime. No charges have to be made against you for the office to take your shit and the burden of proving the property isn’t related to a drug crime is entirely on you. And since it’s impossible to prove with absolute certainty that your property isn’t tied to a drug crime you’re fucked.

The author of the article, Neil Macdonald, has some good advice for any Canadian traveling into the United Police States of America (and this advice is good to heed if you’re living here as well):

So, for any law-abiding Canadian thinking about an American road trip, here’s some non-official advice:

Avoid long chats if you’re pulled over. Answer questions politely and concisely, then persistently ask if you are free to go.

Don’t leave litter on the vehicle floor, especially energy drink cans.

Don’t use air or breath fresheners; they could be interpreted as an attempt to mask the smell of drugs.

Don’t be too talkative. Don’t be too quiet. Try not to wear expensive designer clothes. Don’t have tinted windows.

And for heaven’s sake, don’t consent to a search if you are carrying a big roll of legitimate cash.

As the Canadian government notes, there is no law against carrying it here or any legal limit on how much you can carry. But if you’re on an American roadway with a full wallet, in the eyes of thousands of cash-hungry cops you’re a rolling ATM.

Remember that the police are not your friends. Their job is to extort wealth from you. Treat them just like any other violent criminal. Give them a wide berth and if you have to interact with them say as little as you can and try to make the interaction as short as possible.

We Really Hate Iraq

Reason has what would be comedy gold if it didn’t involve so many people dying. As we wind up for yet another war in Iraq it’s a good time to stop and reflect on our history with that little chunk of land. Let’s take a look at what our previous presidents have said about Iraq, going all the way back to the first Bush. You’ll notice a common theme:

Did last night’s primetime presidential speech announcing expanding authorization for airstrikes in Iraq and Syria feel kind of familiar? Like you’ve heard it before?

That’s probably because you have. You’ve been hearing for more than two decades, from presidents on both sides of political aisle. At this point, bombing Iraq is practically a American presidential tradition.

And, via the magic of YouTube and The Huffington Post‘s Sam Stein, you can watch every president back to the first George Bush announce a new plan to launch military strikes in Iraq.

I’m not sure what our fascination with bombing people in that very specific region is but ordering it has basically become a right of passage for presidents. If only the people living there would stop hating us for bombing them!

Hawaii is Working to Solve Its Homeless Problem

Without government who would harass the homeless? In the state’s never ending war against those who don’t have homes the areas of the United States that remain warm all year around are at a major disadvantage. First there is no harsh winter to cause the homeless enough discomfort to convince them to go elsewhere. Second they’re usually tourist hotbeds and having homeless people in tourist hotbed just makes your city look tacky. Hawaii is especially hard hit because it’s war all year, a tourist hotbed, and there’s really nowhere for the homeless to go. But that hasn’t stopped the Honolulu City Council from trying to chase the homeless off:

HONOLULU (AP) — The Honolulu City Council approved several measures Wednesday aimed at moving homeless people out of tourist hotspots in Hawaii, including one that bans sitting and lying down on sidewalks in the popular Waikiki area.

But a separate push to prevent homeless people from resting on sidewalks throughout the rest of the island failed.

The council has been under pressure from the tourism industry to act, with hotel representatives saying visitors complain often about safety and human waste.

You have to hand it to government, when the politically connected talk the government listens! It also goes to show how government solve problems. With all of the money being stolen by the Honolulu City Council you would think it would try building homeless shelters or operating programs to help homeless people get back on their feet. But that’s not the case. Instead the government passes laws that make being homeless a crime, effectively telling all homeless people to “Get a home!”

“Smart” Guns Would Turn a Physical Fight into a Technological Fight

The Verge has a story about designers of “smart” guns being afraid to come forward with their designs because they believe us evil gun nuts will get them. While the story does attempt to make it appear as though their fear is well founded I’m betting their actual fear has nothing to do with gun rights activists and everything to do with criticism. Gun control advocates seem to think guns with built-in access control are the Holy Grail of restricting gun ownership. What they fail to understand is that baking access control into firearms turns a physical confrontation into a technological confrontation.

There isn’t an access control system on the planet that cannot be bypassed by unauthorized users. Access control systems are about raising the cost of gaining unauthorized access. If I put a shitty lock on my door the cost of bypassing it is pretty low but a quality lock raises that cost. But even the most effective of access control technologies, once unveiled to the public, falls under the onslaught of hackers. Access control technology for firearms is no different. Once it hits the market security experts will put it under a microscope and discover every way to bypass it. Some of the bypasses will allow unauthorized users to fire the gun and other bypasses will prevent authorized users from firing the gun.

Consider the Armatix iP1. It’s a .22 pistol that uses a wristwatch containing a radio-frequency identification (RFID) chip to authenticate the user. Gun control advocates have touted the iP1 as the answer to the “smart” gun question. But there is a critical flaw in the pistol’s design: it relies on a wireless signal for authentication. Wireless signals are convenient but they suffer from a notably critical flaw when looking at self-defense tool, they’re susceptible to jamming. If you have a powerful enough transmitter you can flood specific radio frequencies with enough noise that it severely degrades or completely prevents the communication capabilities of devices using those frequencies. Imagine being a police officer tasked with instigating violence against currently peaceful protesters. You plan to fire a couple of rounds into the crowd in the hopes chaos ensues so you and your friends can justify wholesale slaughter. But the protesters are smart and have been flooding the radio frequency your gun uses to authenticate and thus renders your firearm inoperable. The previously physical conflict became a technological conflict.

One of the reasons I’ve been skeptical of current access control proposals for firearms it that the names working on the technology aren’t well known in the security community. Security is hard and failing to implement proper security for a firearm access control system would render it useless. Does the iP1 RFID setup utilizes strong encryption for communications between the watch and pistol? Many RFID access control systems, especially earlier ones, didn’t utilize any encryption so it was trivial to intercept the authentication code and load it onto your own RFID chip. If cloning the authentication code stored in the watch is easy then the entire access control system is useless. And even if the system uses encryption the question becomes if the encryption is properly implemented. Many systems can be manipulated in such a way as they give up credentials (just think of every database breach that resulted in user names and passwords getting stolen).

Police departments and the military understand this issues, which is why they haven’t been on the bandwagon to adopt access control technologies for their weapons. If they did adopt such technology it would sudden turn the physical fight, which they’re very good at, into a technological fight, which they’re not very good at. In all likelihood the current crop of people developing access control technology for firearms know that their designs won’t hold up under scrutiny and therefore don’t their names attached to the designs. It’s much easier to claim that the evil gun nuts will come after them then to admit their designs have not underwent a security audit from a recognized auditor.

Are Terrorists Intercepting Your Phone Calls

I’m here to bring you an exclusive special Fear Day report. Waves were made last week when it become known that rouge cell towers were intercepting phone calls:

The Internet is abuzz with reports of mysterious devices sprinkled across America—many of them on military bases—that connect to your phone by mimicking cell phone towers and sucking up your data. There is little public information about these devices, but they are the new favorite toy of government agencies of all stripes; everyone from the National Security Agency to local police forces are using them.

These fake towers, known as “interceptors,” were discovered in July by users of the CryptoPhone500, one of the ultra-secure cell phones released after Edward Snowden’s leaks about NSA snooping.

This technology was originally unveiled at the terrorist hacker training conference in Las Vegas in 2010. Since that time the technology has continued to be refined and now unknown agents are constructing rouge cell towers in major metropolitan areas. What’s even more concerning is that both local and federal law enforcement agencies seem to be unable to identify these towers until it’s too late. Many news sources have speculated that these towers are being operated by local police forces or the National Security Agency (NSA). While those explanations are certainly within the realm of possibility I think one of the most terrifying possibilities has gone unaddressed. What if these rouge cell towers are being operated by the Islamic State (IS)?

Unbiased, extremely reliable sources have reported that the IS is operating numerous training camps within the United States. Based on that information and a bunch of speculation I developed by reading cracks that developed in some animal bones that I tossed into a fire I have come to the conclusion that the rouge cell towers are almost certainly part of the IS’s invasion plan. For what purposes I cannot say. But looking at the map of identified rouge cell towers it’s possible that the IS is intercepting the phone calls of some major players in the business world. Perhaps the IS plans to assassinate these individuals as a form of economic warfare. There’s no way to know for sure.

I will continue this investigation as soon as I can obtain more animal bones and let you know what I discover. Until then please remember to inform the police if you see any cell towers. Lets the professionals determine whether or not the cell tower is legitimate or, in fact, a rouge tower setup by the IS.

Terrorists are Crossing Our Borders

We interrupt this blog for another special Fear Day announcement! Extremely reliable sources have obtained footage of actual Islamic State (IS) terrorists crossing the Canadian border:

Holy shit! That’s some scary footage! It not only appears as though these terrorists are capable of infiltrating America but they’ve been training in ninjutsu to improve their chances of entering undetected (obviously this extremely dangerous terrorist failed his ninjutsu training as we can clearly see him)! We may be seeing a repeat of the ninja crime wave that plagued this country during the late ’80s and early ’90s.

But the this video shows why it’s critically important for you to keep an watchful eye out for suspicious individuals (namely anybody whose skin is a bit darker than European or is dressed like a ninja). You never know where they will try to strike.

A Special Fear Day Announcement for Retail Workers

On this most frightful Fear Day the Department of Motherland Fatherland Homeland Security (DHS) has a very special message for those of you working retail:

Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson said his department will be issuing new guidance to retailers this week giving them pointers on how to spot potential terrorists among their customers by looking at what they’re buying.

While saying the government cannot prohibit sales of some everyday materials, Mr. Johnson said retailers should be trained to look for anyone who buys a lot from what he described as a “long list of materials that could be used as explosive precursors.”

That’s right, those of you working retail our this country’s first line of defense! It is you who can identify terrorists buying supplies to build bombs! It is you who can report all suspicious persons to Big Brother! It is you who can save the lives of your fellow countrymen before some terrorist shitbag has a chance to act! The safety of our entire nation now rests of your ever vigilant shoulders!

So what sorts of things should a vigilant retail employee look for? How about pressure cookers:

“We can’t and we shouldn’t prohibit the sale of a pressure cooker. We can sensitize retail businesses to be on guard for suspicious behavior by those who buy this kind of stuff,” Mr. Johnson said during a question-and-answer session after a speech at the Council on Foreign Relations.

Is that person buying a pressure cooker a chef, person who cans food, or terrorist plotting to bomb the people you know and love? Don’t take chances, if you see somebody attempting to buy a pressure cooker call the police and allow them to interrogate the buyer.

Obviously the fine people at the DHS will have many more guidelines. But the bottom line is this: just because you have absolutely no security or counter-terrorism training doesn’t mean you can’t point the finger at random people and accuse them of wrongdoing. Fear best propagates when we believe everybody is out to get us so do you part by spreading fear of your customers.

Frightful Fear Day

nyan-eleven

That image should sufficiently piss a bunch of people off. Now that I’ve weeded out the easily offended it’s time for me to put forth a proposal. Every year on September 11th we take time out of our busy schedule to remember those who died during the World Trade Center attack that happened on September 11th, 2001. Shortly after the attacks people talked about the need to continue living our lives as we had been and not giving into the fear. Not too long after that the message changed. We were supposed to continue living our lives as we had been but we were also supposed to be scared of the terrorists. As is common the message of fear was precursor to war and we ended up going into both Afghanistan, a place the played a sizable role in the collapse of the Soviet Union, and Iraq, a place we had been to before and no actual justification for going there again. And that brings to my proposal. I hereby propose that 9/11 be named Fear Day.

My reason for this is simple. Every year on the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks our politicians begin talking about the need for Americans to fear somebody. This year it’s the Islamic State (IS), which Obama gave a prime time Two Minutes Hate against last night. And today people all across the country are going to find ways to overtly and tacitly connect the 9/11 attacks and the IS. Every one of those connections will be based on fear of what happened 13 years ago. Meaningless phrases such as “Never again!” and “Never forget!” will be parroted by those who have succumbed to the state’s fear mongering of the IS.

Since we’re subjected to this fear mongering every goddamned year I figured it’s high time to make an official holiday out of it. There’s a lot we could do to celebrate a holiday based on fear. For example, we could have an official Two Minutes Hate:

That would be fun! We could also have play a game where we each try to turn in as many of our neighbors as possible for suspicious activities. Not only would that game help instill fear but it would teach us to be ever vigilant. How about a tradition of going to our local police station and confessing the instances of wrongthink we’ve had over the last year? It would be a great way to help the police identify those who commit the most instances of wrongthink, which would help them keep a more watchful eye on potentially dangerous citizens. And no holiday would be complete without a parade! For the Fear Day parade local police departments could get out their armored personnel carriers, don their riot gear, and load up their rifles for a march the Soviet Union would be envious of:

Of course the police would be expected to load their grenade launchers with candy filled canisters so they can launch much coveted sweets into crowds of children!

Let me close this proposal but wishing you a frightening Fear Day! Now run along and spread the word!