Category: Darwin's Duty

Karma, It’ll Get You

Wizardpc over at Walls of the City posted one of the greatest demonstrations of karma being a bitch I have ever read. It’s so delicious in it’s irony I can’t even begin to exclaim my amusement. Anyways a kid hired a hit man to kill his parents only to be shot by the hit man:

Police said a group of boys and men went to the boy’s house in La Vergne on Wednesday night and knocked on the door. The 16-year-old answered the door and was shot twice. He was treated at Vanderbilt University Hospital and released with non-life-threatening injuries.

“He opened the door. He tried shutting the door and what we believe (is) that one of the persons outside the door got a foot in the door. He couldn’t shut it completely. He was able to shut the door after the shots were fired,” said police Chief Ted Boyd.

Wait for it… and now the pay off:

During an investigation, officers found the boy’s phone hidden in a couch in the house and reviewed text messages. Police said it appears the teen had hired someone to kill his parents. He texted that he had “three stacks,” or $3,000, and that he was thinking about doing it himself but couldn’t bring himself to.

My question is what this will do to the parents’ emotional state. First their child is shot and then they learned the kid was shot by a man who was originally paid by their son to kill them. The moral of the story? Don’t fuck with karma because it’ll fuck you back.

Idiot Drivers

I’ve seen idiot drivers cut people off, spin out due to driving faster than conditions allowed for, text on their phone while driving, and even drive the wrong way down a one way street. Even seeing all of this I’ve never seen an idiot driver cruise across a live firing range. Apparently some buffoon decided that was a good idea and drove across the firing line at the SHOT Show today while people were test firing everything from 9mm handguns to 7.62mm machine guns.

Darwin needs to step up his game I think.

Environmental Extremism

So we’ve all come to an agreement that Mr. Environment who took over the Discovery Channel headquarters was just out and out bat shit crazy. He decided to focus that crazy on environmental issues and even wrote up a manifesto of sorts (which I’m not linking to because violent nut jobs get no link love from me). For shits and giggles I read through his manifesto and shortly after had to take a couple shots of vodka to prevent brain damage in the form of remembering anything from that manifest.

Alas what he wrote reflects ideas I’ve often heard spouted by environmental extremists. I’ve been trying to determine how a person can develop so much hatred for their own species that they believe the only way to save the planet is to wipe out the human race. What leads somebody to develop that view? That view requires self-hatred as you ultimately are stating you believe you should be dead.

Personally I like to look on the brighter side of things. To that end I’m presenting a series of solutions to the “population problem” as the wackos like to call it that don’t involved death camps and violence.

All of you environmentalists need to start donating money to companies researching practical space travel. If you believe the Earth is unable to support the human population then it’s time to relocated some of the people. Mars is another planet which in theory could be setup to support a large population of people. The sooner we get there and colonize it the sooner we reduce the population of Earth. As an added bonus Mars is already a lifeless wasteland so there isn’t a previous Mother Gaia to destroy. Seriously what could we do to Mars that the universe hasn’t done already?

There you go a non-violent means of reducing the population of the planet. Next up a peaceful solution to extinction. Although extinction is nature’s way of eliminating creatures unable to adapt to their changing environment some people believe the human race must be wiped out to save these creatures. Here is a better idea, cloning. Get a genetic sample of every creature you can and put some of your money into researching the science of cloning. Did your beloved Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal get wiped out by slash and burn operations in the Amazon? Good news with a genetic sample and proper research you can just make some more. Hell you could open a wildlife refuge dome on Mars for wayward animals and bring back all those species that nature decided no longer fit to survive. Hell if you want to seriously considering bringing back dinosaurs let me know and I’ll chip in some money.

Now if you’re an environmentalist reading this (why your reading this site and an environmentalist baffles my mind honestly) your next question will probably involve pollution. Due to our awesome ability to build shit the human race does create byproducts. Everything from sulfur in the atmosphere to mercury in the water are byproducts of industry. Remember the statement about colonizing Mars? We can move a ton of industry there as well. Think about it, who the fuck cares if we’re pumping shit into Mars’s atmosphere? We can’t breathe it and apparently nothing else living has found it useful enough to park their butts down on that planet. What’s a little more toxic material in the atmosphere on a planet who’s atmosphere is already deadly toxic? We could also setup orbital factories that could pump byproducts into space. I don’t care how many widgets you build, you’ll never be able to create enough particles of any pollutant to fill the massive vacuum that is space.

Instead of wasting your time with creeds an whining about how terrible the human race is and how great Mother Gaia is why not work to correct it in a peaceful and practical manner that may actually have popular support? Just imagine how much you could accomplish if you put all that time and effort into something useful instead of bitching and moaning?

Let’s all work together to make a better future… a future with bad ass space ships.

Technology Doesn’t Cause Stupidity

People cause stupidity. Apparently thanks to GPS, cell phones, and other such gadgets people have been acting dumber when venturing into national parks. This is a cause of concern for the National Park Service but also a slight irritation to Charles Darwin’s ghost who has to deal with all this stupidity:

The national parks’ history is full of examples of misguided visitors petting bears, putting children on buffaloes for photos and dipping into geysers despite signs warning of scalding temperatures.

But today, as an ever more wired and interconnected public visits the parks in rising numbers — July was a record month for visitors at Yellowstone — rangers say that technology often figures into such mishaps.

People with cell phones call rangers from mountaintops to request refreshments or a guide; in Jackson Hole, Wyo., one lost hiker even asked for hot chocolate.

I have a solution for this little issue. If anybody uses their cell phone to call a park ranger in the hopes of getting a beverage delivered to them I say the rangers oblige by launching a barrage of artillery onto the caller’s location. Of course this will require buying artillery for the park rangers but I’m willing to donate money to a good cause.

“Because of having that electronic device, people have an expectation that they can do something stupid and be rescued,” said Jackie Skaggs, spokeswoman for Grand Teton National Park in Wyoming.

“Every once in a while we get a call from someone who has gone to the top of a peak, the weather has turned and they are confused about how to get down and they want someone to personally escort them,” Skaggs said. “The answer is that you are up there for the night.”

Damn right make them sit it out. Stupidity is meaningless without lessons being learned and people generally don’t learn when they get bailed out. Of course the rangers aren’t be Luddites:

The service acknowledges that the new technologies have benefits as well. They can and do save lives when calls come from people who really are in trouble.

Technology is a tool and like any tool can be used to enhance good and bad. Many people use it stupidly and end up driving into a lake because their GPS told them to. These people should be removed from the gene pool as soon as possible so I feel even in the hands of the stupid a GPS is ultimately being used for good.

A Fool and His Money

You know what they say, a fool and his money are quickly departed. Take this example for instance. It’s an application that alerts you when there are lightening lightning strikes in your area and it only costs $5.99!

Of course the article also brings up the fact a whole 58 people are killed (on average) every year by lightening lightning. The population of the United States is 307,006,550 according to Google meaning .0000188921051% of the population of the United States are killed each year (on average) by lightening lightning.

With a risk that tiny who the Hell is going to buy a shitty $5.99 app?

EDIT 2010-08-18 22:02: Proof reading is important just remember that. And no matter how many times you use the closely spelled but completely incorrect word it doesn’t make it right. Thanks for pointing it out Linoge.

Ah, Arrogance and Stupidity All in the Same Package

How efficient of North Korea:

North Korea has promised a “physical response” to joint US-South Korean military exercises this weekend.

Yes that’s certainly a good idea. I’m sure the United States, who have been looking for practically any excuse to go to war with North Korea, and really shaking in their boots over this threat. Yup. No seriously can’t you tell how scared America is of the big and powerful North Korea?

Execution on the Cheap

I’m sure most of you have guessed I’m against the death penalty simply on the grounds that I don’t believe a government has the right to kill citizens outside of the defense of a human life (in other words the same rules that apply to the citizens apply to the government in my book). But if you’re going to execute somebody at least do it on the cheap.

At 0000 MDT Ronnie Lee Gardner was executed by .30 Winchester rifle round to the chest:

Four of the .30 calibre Winchester rifles were loaded with live bullets but a fifth carried a blank, so that none of the men would have known with certainty that he had shot a lethal round.

Gardner was asked if he had any final words and said: “I do not. No.”

He was hooded and strapped to a black metal chair, with a white target pinned to his chest.

Gardner was then shot at a range of 25ft (7.6m).

I have to say I don’t mind this method of execution if we’re going to do it. It’s cheap and effective. Lethal injection requires chemicals that I’m sure are fairly expensive, the electric chair isn’t always reliable, but good old bullets are cheap and reliable. Also this may go down at the best use of Twitter ever:

Utah Attorney General Mark Shurtleff used the Twitter micro-blogging site to say he had given the go-ahead for execution.

“May God grant him the mercy he denied his victims,” Mr Shurtleff tweeted.

That’s right his execution was Tweeted. I wonder if that’s a first.

I’m also not sure if I would call this an execution so much as natural selection:

He was convicted in 1985 of fatally shooting a lawyer during an attempt to escape from a court where he was facing another murder charge dating from 1984.

Real bright buddy. You’re up on murder charges so at the trail you shoot a lawyer and try to escape… from a courtroom most likely to guarded. You’re a smart one aren’t you. I guess I should say you’re were a smart one weren’t you.

But alas this method of execution was deemed too efficient and both in it’s ability to execute the target and in the small cost to the taxpayers:

Gardner, 49, chose the firing squad before Utah banned the method in 2004. Critics say it is barbaric, harking back to the Wild West.

Critics say death by firing squad is barbaric? Really? Wouldn’t it be better to say execution in general is barbaric? I mean between being electrocuted to death, injected with lethal chemicals, or shot I’d rather be shot. But the bottom line is killing somebody outside of self defense is a barbaric act. Changing the method of execution doesn’t all of the sudden make it all rainbows and unicorns.

Somebody’s Clever Plan Wasn’t Thought Through Very Well

Every Day, No Days Off informs us that some marketing people don’t think their clever ideas through all the way:

A marketing stunt to promote a video game sparked an armed police callout after an actor pointed a fake gun at terrified pubgoers in Auckland’s Viaduct Basin.

About 20 revellers drinking outside Degree bar dived for cover after the promotions worker threatened them with a black imitation pistol about 8pm on Friday.

I can’t quite put my finger on it but something seems wrong with that promotional idea.