Tag: Things Having Nothing to do with Anything

I’m Available For Performing Electronic Exorcisms

As many of you know I’m a discordian pope. In addition to that I’m also an ordained minister by the Universal Life Church Monastery. With rock solid credentials like that I’m totally getting into the electronic exorcism business:

But if you truly think your electronics have been invaded by an evil spirit, there’s someone who will take your call — Reverend Joey Talley — a Wiccan witch from the San Francisco Bay Area who claims to solve supernatural issues for techies.

[…]

“Most people want me to protect their computers from viruses and hacks,” she told SF Weekly. “So I’ll make charms for them. I like to use flora.” And when there are problems in office hardware, Talley turns to “Jet,” a black stone that serves to block energy. In extreme cases, she casts protection spells of her own over the entire company.

[…]

Talley’s services do not come cheap. She charges $200 an hour (though a phone consultation is free).

For $200.00 per hour — hell, for $100.00 per hour I’ll exorcise the daemons from your systems (at least the daemons that aren’t supposed to be there). My e-mail address is to the right of this post, feel free to contact me for your free exorcism estimate!

This Blog Now Officially Endorsed as Leftist, Anti-Capitalist, and Social Justice Advocacy

Since I’m friends with a lot of libertarians I periodically use Facebook to collect stories to write about and last night was no exception. When I opened Facebook I noticed a friend tagged me in a post he titled, “Looks like one of our own has officially been injected into the SJW debate at its upper levels.” At first I thought one of those fedora tipping GamerGaters was busting a nut over something I wrote but to my pleasant surprise it was just a link to a blog written by some fellow named Christopher Cantwell.

I’m not terribly familiar with Cantwell. The only thing I really know about him is that he was give the boot by the Free State Project because of his advocacy for murdering government employees.

If you go to his post you’ll see that he officially endorsed me as a leftist, anti-capitalist, social justice warrior. Long time readers of this blog already know that I consider myself a leftist as I’m against rulers. They are also probably laughing at the anti-capitalist bit. Whether people think of me as a social justice warrior generally depends on their views of various social issues. Based on what I’ve read so far by Cantwell I will choose to accept this as a badge of honor.

He also seemed a bit upset that I was railing against the Republican Party but it’s not uncommon for statist libertarians to get upset with us anarchist libertarians when we do that. In fact I was once on the other side so I do understand where he’s coming from. Now that I’m on the anarchist side I also know that nothing I say will convince him that the concept of limited government is impossible. That’s a journey one must make on their own.

My writings speak for me and I’ve annoyed plenty of electrons writing this blog. I leave you to be the judge on whether or not Cantwell’s accusations are true and I submit the entirety of my blog, which covers my journey from statist to anarchist, as defense of my libertarian credentials.

Target, Hire Me as Your Next CEO

In 2011 Target decided to make a concerted effort to push into Canada. This experiment ended with the company pulling out of our neighbor to the north with a loss of $5.4 billion. The loss caused the termination of 1,700 employees and a decision not to fill 1,400 open positions. To add a bit of insult to injury the CEO overseeing this failure was Gregg Steinhafel and he received a $61 million severance package.

I really think Target should consider hiring me to replace their current CEO. You’re probably wondering what my qualifications are. Well they’re pretty damn good. If I were the CEO of Target I could raze that company to the ground harder than a Mongol horde in Baghdad. And I would be willing to do it for much less than $61 million! I’d be willing to do the same thing for only a couple million dollars. But my magic touch isn’t available exclusively to Target. Any company that wants to give a massive severance package to a CEO in exchange for them destroying it can hire me!

My e-mail address is conveniently located in the navigation bar to the right. Feel free to get in contact with me if you’re interested in my services.

Meet Earth’s New Dominant Species

Us humans have enjoyed our spot as Earth’s dominant species for some time. But there are no constants in the universe and our era is finally coming to an end. Meet our replacements:

Yes, some of Moscow’s stray dogs have figured out how to use the city’s immense and complex subway system, getting on and off at their regular stops. The human commuters around them are so accustomed to it that they rarely seem to notice.

Most of the humans I know can’t properly navigate a subway system! But I know what you’re thinking. This means nothing. After all, dogs lack opposable thumbs. Well they have an ingenious solution for that apparent weakness as well:

Sometimes a pack will send out a smaller, cuter member apparently realizing it will be more successful at begging than its bigger, less attractive counterparts.

Who needs opposable thumbs when you can manipulate a dumber species with opposable thumbs to do all of your work for you? Let’s face it, we’re little more than laborers for our new dog overlords.

Settling the Vaccine Debate

I’m not sure what caused it but people have really lost their shit over vaccines in the last week. A huge percentage of my Facebook feed consists of people arguing about whether or not vaccines have helped reduce and sometimes eliminate many terrible diseases or if they’re going to kill us all. The side arguing in favor of vaccines point to a ton of scientific research and data collected about diseases outbreaks and the other side claims that all of the diseases supposedly wiped out by vaccines were in remission before the vaccines were released. It’s an incredibly heated debate with no end in sight. Until now! I’m happy to report that we can finally put the vaccine debate to bed. After all of this angry screaming we can say, one and for all, who is right:

For all of the medieval practices that ISIS imposes on the Syrians and Iraqis living under its rule, there is one area where the terrorist group has so far been tolerant: vaccines.

“An unexpected success of the polio immunization campaigns in Syria and Iraq has been the access granted to vaccinators in territory controlled by the militant group calling itself the Islamic State,” according to the Integrated Regional Information Networks (IRIN), a humanitarian news service formerly part of the UN.

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. The Islamic State supports vaccines so we now know that vaccines are Sharia law and therefore a ploy to rid the world of Christians, Jews, and women. If you support vaccines you’re supporting terrorism!

Now that that’s settled we can return to arguing about much more important things such as the dangers of Wi-Fi and the secret Illuminati messages in every Katy Perry video.

Turning Shame Into an Asset

The Internet is abuzz by news that Sony has cancelled the theatrical release of the latest Rogen and Franco shitfest:

ony is canceling The Interview‘s planned theatrical release in response to all major US theater chains deciding not to show the film after attacks were threatened. “In light of the decision by the majority of our exhibitors not to show the film The Interview, we have decided not to move forward with the planned December 25 theatrical release,” Sony says in a statement, reprinted by Variety. “We respect and understand our partners’ decision and, of course, completely share their paramount interest in the safety of employees and theater-goers.”

Everybody has concluded that this is a very bad precedent. I believe that this is a very good marketing strategy. Let’s be honest, threats form the two groups that have opposed the release of this movie, hackers and North Korea, have never been taken seriously by anybody in the United States before. Hackers have traditionally been unable to inflict physical damage or pain and thus go mostly ignored and North Korea is the laughing stock of the entire world. So why would a major cinema chain suddenly back down when one of these groups makes a threat? Because it’s brilliant marketing.

There’s already plenty of people upset by this news. After all, capitulating with terrorism doesn’t set a good precedent. So people are going to demand that the movie be brought to theaters, if for not other reason than to not cooperate with terrorists. I predict that in the not too distant future Sony will reverse it’s decision due to “popular demand”. Every theater chain in the country will likewise reverse their decisions for the same reason. Then people will flock to see the “banned” movie. If I’m right it’s a goddamn brilliant strategy and would allow Sony to turn the shame of a major hack into an asset.

I’m sure some of you reading this probably think I’m joking. I’m not.

Editing Sucks

The deadline for the Agorist Writers Workshop is fast approaching. After some furious banging on the keyboard I finally finished my rough draft. I’m excited about that but now comes the job of editing. Holy fuck do I hate editing (as the lack of professionalism on this site probably indicates). It is where I realize all of my hard work wasn’t hard enough.

So far the only scenes I like are the fight scenes. Since this is supposed to be a story about libertarian solutions to problem the fight scenes only make up a small part of the story. The last time I wrote a short story it was basically a long series of fight scenes. You see what the issue is. Next time I’ll return to military science fiction.

Either way the story (and the half dozen other partial stories that didn’t end up being my submission) has been a blast to write. I forgot how much fun fiction can be and really feel as though I should do more of it. But I need to hire somebody else to edit this dreck.

Oh, and I know some of my agorist buddies read this site (what can I say, they have poor taste). You better get your submissions in because I don’t want to be the only son of a bitch submitting work to this contest.

Everybody is In On the Surveillance Game

This has been a bad week for my laptop. Last week my battery gave up the ghost. On Sunday the hard drive died. Finally on Monday the spare hard drive I swapped into the laptop committed seppuku. Since the hard drive I dropped in on Sunday night was my last spare drive I had to make a trip to the local computer parts emporium to acquire another one. While searching through the hard drives I came across something rather funny:

western-digital-surveillance

That must be Western Digital’s National Security Agency (NSA) edition hard drive.

Also, as a side note, when it comes time to choose a name for your laptop don’t choose Loki. Just throwing that out there.